By entering, participants agree to be bound by these rules and the decisions of Modern Humorist, Inc. (the "Company"), which shall be final. All federal, state and local laws and regulations apply. (Don't litter, don't drink and drive, and don't kill anyone.) Some restrictions apply. About five paragraphs' worth.
The contest is open to legal residents of the fifty United States (excluding Florida) and the District of Columbia, who are 18 years of age (or the age of majority in their state) or older at time of entry. And you thought voting was the best thing about turning 18! The contest is void in Florida, Canada and where prohibited by law. We must protect those who can't protect themselves: old people who have retired to Miami and Canadians who still live in Canada. Employees of the Company or of its related entities affiliates or subsidiaries are not eligible, nor are members of such employees' families or households. That means you, Mom. Stop reading. Now.
Planning a frivolous lawsuit? Think again. The Company and its employees, officers, directors, shareholders, agents, and their respective parent companies, affiliates, subsidiaries, and advertising, promotion and legal advisors are not responsible for and shall not be liable for: (i) late, lost, delayed, damaged, misdirected, incomplete, illegible or unintelligible entries; (ii) telephone, electronic, hardware or software program, network, Internet or computer malfunctions, failures, or difficulties; (iii) errors in transmission; (iv) any condition caused by events beyond the control of the Company that may cause the contest to be disrupted or corrupted; (v) any injuries, losses, or damages of any kind caused by a prize or resulting from acceptance, possession, use or misuse of a prize, or from participation in the contest; or (vi) any printing or typographical errors in any materials associated with the Contest. Clauses (i) through (vi) protect us from but are not limited to the following circumstances: you misspelling your own name on the entry form, you failing to pay your electric bill, computer weirdness, the Apocalypse (it's still coming, you know), heart attacks caused by gazing upon your prize, and our writers confusing it's and its. The Company reserves the right, in its sole discretion, to cancel or suspend the Contest should virus, bugs, unauthorized human intervention, or other causes beyond the control of the Company, in its sole opinion, corrupt the administration, security, fairness, integrity or proper operation of the Contest. "Bugs" here refers to computer trouble, insects we hate, and the villain in the Encyclopedia Brown series.
The reporting and payment of any tax liabilities incurred by winners are the sole responsibility of the winner. Not that any of our prizes are going to make you rich, or even happy. No substitution or transfer of prizes or cash redemptions are permitted. If you don't like your prize or your prize doesn't like you, it's not our problem. The Company and its parent, subsidiaries, and affiliated entities reserve the right to substitute any prizes of like value in the event the described prizes, or any portions thereof, are unavailable for any reason whatsoever.
Once again, suing us is a really dumb idea. Participants, by registering for the contest or by accepting any prizes, agree to release the Company and its parent, subsidiaries, and affiliates, directors, officers or employees thereof, from any and all liability claims or actions of any kind whatsoever for injuries, damages or losses to persons and property which may be sustained in connection with or from participating the Contest or with the receipt, ownership or use of a prize (including, claims, costs, injuries and losses related to person injury, death, damage or destruction of property, rights of publicity or privacy defamation). The Company expressly disclaims any responsibility or liability for injury or loss to any person or property relating to the delivery and/or subsequent use of any of the prizes awarded.
Now you can enter the sweepstakes. Godspeed.