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The box of Tide Detergent sent to you in the mail does not contain anthrax. It is specially formulated to remove stains and unlock the potential of your washing machine. It has been known to cause yellow fever.
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If the return address on the envelope says "Columbia House Music Club," immediately cover it with towel, walk out of the room slowly and contact the proper authorities.
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If an envelope sent to you has Ed McMahon's face on it, please forward it to the Ed McMahon Museum in Anaheim California. It is a very rare collectible.
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Because of false alarms related to shipping white powder through the mail, the Postal Service has asked that clandestine cocaine shipments be handled through FedEx and UPS.
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For sensitivity reasons, the "Dead Letter Office" will be renamed the "Non-Contagious Cutaneous Infection Office."
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All purchases from pharmaceutical companies may be subject to random inspection. For more on the fast-paced, high-risk lives of postal inspectors, we recommend the films "The Inspectors" and "Inspectors 2: Shred of Evidence," starring Louis Gossett, Jr. and Jonathan Silverman.
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The United States Postal Service wants the country to know that there is no need for alarm or panic. The service also wishes all terrorists and crackpots to know that it is an independent organization which is not run by the United States government. |