Shop the MH Superstore!

THERE WAS A TIME when the mere presence of a chimpanzee, golden retriever or ambitious squid on a sports team was enough to inspire slack-jawed doubletakes and heated debates on eligibility. For years, pioneering animal athletes exploited the absence of any specific provisions prohibiting, say, a dog from taking the field as a Golden Receiver. Today, the participation of owls, lions and reindeer in professional sports is commonplace, and animal superstars like Jingles, Buttercup and Jimmy the Ape are as much household names as John Rocker, Daryl Strawberry and Jayson Williams. Below is a scouting report for some of the animal athletes debuting this year.


Frankie the Chimp (Philadelphia Phillies)
Solid journeyman outfielder. Can play both right field and left field. Good arm. Is prone to eating own fur. Doesn’t bond well with goats, dolphins or catchers.

Cassie the Golden Retriever (Florida Marlins)
Batting average has hovered around the Mendoza line for the past few years, although she possesses great speed and is exceedingly cute. Fan favorite, but front office mulling three-way trade for Frankie the Chimp.


Bobby the Goat (Chicago Bulls)
Scrappy. Eats tin cans. Excellent outside shooter. Can hit the three but a little weak on defense. Ornery, excellent clutch player, but a little small. A good leader though harsh on younger players. Has been known to bite teammates for not hustling.

Mr. Jenks (Utah Jazz)
Beloved chimpanzee. Well-known for unpredictable antics, deadly free-throw shooting and hugely-popular poster advising fans to "Slam It!" Compulsive groomer. Drinks.


Gusto the Field-Goal Kicking Mule (Pittsburgh Steelers)
Not to be confused with Gus (subject of the famous 1976 biopic starring Edward Asner). Has played for six teams in the last nine years, although he generally ranks as one of the NFL’s highest scorers. Frustrating tendency to defecate on field during games has endeared him neither to fans nor teammates.

Reggie Rhino (Seattle Seahawks)
Fearsome defensive linebacker. Notorious for mauling officials. Has killed before, will kill again. 1998 Pro Bowler.

Ricky the Goldfish (Washington Redskins)
Possesses gills instead of lungs. Belongs to owner of Washington Redskins. Doesn’t so much "play" football as watch it indifferently while sucking scum from side of tank. Good leader.

More animal humor:
Are You the Alpha Male?
Monkey Hot or Not?

More by Nathan Rabin:
Who Let the Dog Out?
Ain't Nothin' But a Gangsta Termination
of Limited-Term Employment

Copyright 2011 Modern Humorist, Inc.
All Rights Reserved.
Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.