From:
Department of Justice, Janet Reno
To: Lázaro González et al.
Saturday, April 22
2:30 a.m.
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1.
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By
3:45 a.m. on Saturday, April 22, Elián González
and no fewer than 57 of his 120 Pokemon cards (including
Charmander) will be delivered to the Miami Federal Courthouse
accompanied by Lázaro González, his family
and Donato the fisherman. He must leave behind his Sega
Dreamcast, his Blue’s Clues pajamas, and his "Up
yours, Fidel!" t-shirt.
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2.
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No
members of the González family can be armed except
with a smile. U.S. Marshals will be armed with no fewer
than 22 automatic weapons. The guns at all times will be
pointed slightly to the left of the six-year-old boy (perhaps
at Marisleysis González).
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3.
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Cuban-American
singer Gloria Estefan and ethnic actor Andy Garcia must
remain 600 feet from U.S. Marshals at all times. Garcia’s
moustache will be shaved on sight.
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4.
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Our
sources tell us that the volatile demonstrators may be armed
with guns, knives, and ceramic statues of the Virgin Mary.
To be prepared we will bring pepper spray and are ready
to use it on Lázaro González, Paraslaysis
González, Donato the fisherman and Ricardo the carpenter.
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5.
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Any
cameraman from the network responsible for "Daddio"
will be kicked in the stomach repeatedly.
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6.
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Throughout
the operation Elián will be comforted by a female,
Spanish-speaking immigration agent who will explain what
is happening to the boy and sing to him the love songs of
Ibrahim Ferrer.
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7.
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U.S.
Marshals will fly Elián, Lázaro González,
Maricoleslawsis González, Donato the fisherman and
Miguel the barber to Washington, D.C. The in-flight movie
will be the Chevy Chase vehicle Snow Day.
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8.
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Upon
arrival at Andrews Air Force Base, the group will be whisked
away to a secret underground lair where Juan González
will be waiting with season passes to Busch Gardens and
the biggest goddamn jellybean you’ve ever seen.
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9.
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Juan
González will receive his son tearfully from Lázaro
González, Marislayer González, Donato the
fisherman and Jeff the cable repairman. The boy will be
evaluated on the spot by three neutral psychologists and
Dr. Laura Schlesinger.
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10.
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Juan
González and Elián will participate in an
open-ended, joint living arrangement with Lázaro
González, Marijuana González, Donato the fisherman
and Andre the giant. Juan González must clean the
second-floor bathroom Mondays and Wednesdays and Lazaro
González must mow the lawn whenever he’s out
front with reporters.
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11.
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Until
the courts issues an order, custody of Elián will
be shared by Juan González, Janet Reno, Donato the
fisherman and Jude the Obscure.
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