Q: What is the ILOVEYOU virus? A: The ILOVEYOU virus is the biggest threat to computers since newer, faster computers. According to Eric Chien of the Symantec Antivirus Research Center, the virus’s creator is most likely "a student, probably 14-28 years old, and probably male as well." He is also "probably really into computers," Chien might as well have added, for all the help he’s been. Q: How do viruses like ILOVEYOU work? A: If I told you, you could go and make one yourself. Also, I have no idea. Q: Who was affected by it? A: Nearly 30 percent of businesses in Great Britain, and nearly 80 percent in Sweden, are poorly run and mismanaged. I’m sorry, what was the question? Q: Never mind. How is the government combating the ILOVEYOU virus? A: The Justice Department wants to break it up into two separate viruses, ILOVE and YOU. Q: How does the ILOVEYOU virus spread? A: Hallmark cards, good parenting, the movie "Ghost," orgasms. Q: Are there copycat viruses I should watch out for? A: Yes. Do not open any e-mail with the following subject lines: I U IWUVYOU BEMINE LET’SKNOCKBOOTS Q: What happens if you send the ILOVEYOU virus to yourself? A: You go blind. Q: Can you get the ILOVEYOU virus from a toilet seat? A: No. Only from unprotected anal sex. Q: I got a message from this guy at school who I’m totally crushing on, and the subject says "ILOVEYOU." Should I open it? A: No. It may be the virus. Q: But what if it’s not? What if he’s finally confessing, and he’s doing it over e-mail because he’s, like, really shy, which is so cute, and if I don’t open it, I’ll never know how he really feels? A: If it’s important to you, call him. Do not open the e-mail. Q: Omigod, it says, "Kindly check the attached LOVELETTER coming from me." Should I open the attachment? A: No. It’s almost certainly the virus. Q: But he says it’s coming from him. Why would he say that if it wasn’t true? I’m going to open it…Ha! It’s not the virus – it’s a real letter! I knew it. A: What does it say? Q: It says… "Like I’d ever go out with someone as careless about computer security as you!" Oh! I wish it was the stupid virus. A: I’m going to take questions from someone else now.