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1. I tend to think of myself as:
dominant, a natural leader of chimps.
somewhat timid, more of a follower.

2. When I screech:
the other chimps listen and are
interested in what I have to say.
I am in a confused terror.

3. When it gets down to it:
I can win a fight against any of the other males.
I need a pointy stick to get any respect.

4. All the chimp babies are:
somebody else’s.

5. My hobbies include:
bullying other chimps.
not reproducing.

6. I feel like the female chimps:
are impressed when I flip out just because.
think I am really nice and a good listener.

7. Which statement describes your relationship
with primatologists?
They have painted a letter "A" across my back.
They make me wear a dress.

8. I feel:
self-actualized, complete.
as if the values that receive priority in
chimp society unfairly marginalize the
vast majority of non-alpha male members
who—or so I’ve heard—have real feelings and
valuable contributions to make.


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Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.