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Why is it so hot?
A: Because it’s summer.

Q: You mean when the Mel Gibson movies come out?
A: That’s right. But summer isn’t just an explosive cinematic thrill ride that will leave you breathless (Peter Travers, Rolling Stone). As the Earth moves in its orbit around the sun, its axis maintains a nearly constant orientation in space, inclined about 66º33' to the orbital plane. During summer, the North Pole is inclined toward the sun, and the Northern Hemisphere receives…

Q: What’s with the science lesson? School’s supposed to be out during summer!
A: Actually, many educators now support the idea of year-round schooling. Studies show it can ease overcrowding, reduce teacher burn-out and improve retention of…

Q: Hey, who did that song anyway, “School’s Out For Summer?”
A: Um, Alice Cooper.

Q: How does it go? “School’s out for summer! School’s out forever!”
A: Those are indeed the lyrics.

Q: What comes next?
A: "School’s been blown to pieces."

Q: Oh. That’s kind of sobering, isn’t it? I mean, in the wake of Columbine. Are all songs about summer so fraught with pathos?
A: No. Most celebrate good times and the more revealing wardrobe preferred by women in the hot weather. However, many people do tear up listening to Billie Holiday’s rendition of "Summertime," the Old English ballad "Sumer Is Icumen In," and Bryan Adams’s "Summer of ’69."

Q: Back up. What was that about revealing wardrobes?
A: In order to prevent overheating, people wear less clothing during the summer. This also allows them to show off their tattoos and abs. Or their stretch marks.

Q: How else do people stay cool in summer?
A: Air conditioners, swimming and having Mickey Rourke rub ice cubes on them.

Q: Who invented summer, anyway?
A: Summer was first invented by the ancient Sumerians, who were sick of being cold all the time and of not having any food. They were so pleased with their new season that they named if after themselves. The Sumerians are long dead, but their legacy lives on.

Q: Gosh, is there anything summer can’t do?
A: As good as summer is, it can not relieve the despair of existence in a meaningless universe or drive a stick shift.


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Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.