August 1, 2000
Philadelphia's First Union Center, issues of Great
National Import are being discussed. The party's best
orators are waxing about their nominee's moral fiber
and strength of character. Inspirational videos are
being shown to motivate and energize the electorate.
an informal delegation of young Republican guys are
working hard to score some red, hot and blue Republican
right, I spent Sunday night partying with the Young
Republicans - and found them just as oversexed as the
president they say debased the Oval Office.
attended college almost two decades ago, I only knew
Young Republicans as stiff, self-satisfied boys who
would never shut up about how badly they needed a tax
cut when all they really needed was a better haircut
and a dose of humility.
I've been told, the political climate in this country
has changed to the point where Young Republicanism has
actually become hip and, dare I say it, sexy on America's
college campuses. Clearly, this called for investigation.
crashed the Young Republicans mixer at the Dock Street
brewpub and found that the Young GOPhers were making
good on their promise to turn the Party of Lincoln into
the party of drinkin'.
dorky 22-year-old named Brandon sidles over with an
ever-so-suave Jack and Ginger and explains the growing
appeal of the Young Republicans.
knows that we throw the best parties because we know
the ladies who like to get boozed up and get laid,"
Democratic women enjoy the same two activities?
Brandon shrugs. "But we're only interested in quality,
Republican women. They love us because we lick their
would ask the inevitable follow-up (just one more
question, Senator!) but it is increasingly clear
that, despite his bravado, the closest this guy has
ever gotten to muff is the time he Philip Rothed all
over his mother's fur hand-warmer.
then, a platter of kamikazes materializes, paid for
out of the treasury of a Young Republican club in western
Massachusetts. Everyone grabs his drink and a solemn
they toast in unison: "To bush!" They are not talking
about the nominee.
club member named Richard enters the bar, accompanied
by a woman so hot that Tom Daschle would consider changing
his party affiliation. Richard tells me he believes
fully in the GOP's platform - including the anti-abortion
plank that, polls show, offends the majority of American
women - and his date Janine tells me that such politics
would not dissuade her from giving a studly guy some
may not believe this, but we have pro-life women in
our club who love sex," Richard says. "Good sex, too.
Just because they're pro-life doesn't mean they're stiff,
virginal types. We have some really hot women in our
club who definitely sleep around."
wondered if it was more difficult to score with chicks
when your opening line is, "Hey, baby, if the condom
breaks, don't even think about Preven."
never use that as an opener," Richard protests. "Sometimes,
I just introduce myself as the State Committeeman. That's
an elected office. I worked hard to get all those people
to vote for me. Women seem to like that."
young GOPer joins us and explains that his opening line
is more counterintuitive.
I'm with non-Republicans, I use my conservatism as a
bad-boy kinda thing," he says. "I'll meet a woman and
say, 'I think we should cut down all the trees and kill
all the little cuddly things in the forest.' It's a
good opener because she thinks I'm kidding, even though
I really believe that. But by the time she finds out,
I've had my fun."
a 25-year-old from Pennsylvania, is also doing his part
to renew America's purpose. "I'm a pro-life Libertarian
and I'm getting laid all the time," says Leon. "I'll
get married and be faithful to my wife and family values
will be a wonderful nucleus of my life some day, but
not now. I'm getting too much pussy."
says he's slept with 28 different women, yet only used
a condom three times. And you call that personal responsibility?
pull out," he says.
a cheerleader type from Texas, confirms that strong
values do not have to interfere with an active premarital
sex life. "I'm not into free love," she says, leaning
forward enough to reveal she's got no deficit in her
most important budget column. "I think Democratic women
are so much sluttier than we are. But, that said, I
have some really hot sex. Really hot."
declines to explain the specific techniques that make
her lovemaking so blistering, but she reminded me that,
unlike her kamikaze-quaffing counterparts in Massachusetts,
Young Republicans from Texas actually have access to
that greatest of aphrodisiacs. "What can I say, power
makes me hot," Barbi sighs.
going to win in November and I'm getting hotter just
thinking about it."
All names have been changed to protect the reputations
-- and inevitable political careers of -- everyone involved.]
100% True ]