When
openly gay Congressman Jim Kolbe (R-Ariz)
gave a speech on international trade policies Tuesday night, he
surprisingly didn't once use the phrase "Miss Thing," refer to anyone
as "Mary," or snap his fingers while waving his arm in a zigzag
motion. Still, a group of Texan delegates showed their disapproval
of his appearance - or perhaps his very existence - by removing
their cowboy hats and bowing their heads in prayer during his speech.
What were they so upset about? We cracked Kolbe's secret gay code
and found out.
The
speech:
"History and providence have blessed our great nation."
The
subtext:
Providence, Rhode Island has a large gay population. Also, sounds
a lot like "Provincetown."
The
speech:
"America's riches are chronicled at every turn."
The
subtext:
Refers to media obsession with Rich from "Survivor," Richard Simmons,
Adrienne Rich and, probably, Log Cabin Republican Rich Tafel.
The
speech:
"America's economic freedom is the envy of the world."
The
subtext:
A clear paraphrase of "There's no place like home," a phrase associated
with homosexual icon Judy Garland.
The
speech:
"We have seen economic freedom create habits of liberty."
The
subtext:
Do we really want our children picking up Kolbe's "habits of liberty"?
The
speech:
"Through free trade, we have exported our principles."
The
subtext:
Homosexuals can't reproduce, so they must export their principles
to our children.
The
speech:
"Trade is an engine of growth and a source of high-wage jobs.
And, today, trade is equal to 30 percent of our domestic economy."
The
subtext:
Rough trade, he means.
The
speech:
"But, there's more work to be done."
The
subtext:
And I bet he's just hoping it will be done by the construction
worker from the Village People.
The
speech:
"Over 95% of the world's consumers live outside the borders
of the United States, mostly in countries that restrict access
to their markets and ports."
The
subtext:
It's all about "access" to "ports" with these people.
The
speech:
"America suffers when markets are closed to the fruits of
our labor."
The
subtext:
"Fruits"?
The
speech:
"While I commend Vice-President Gore for his support of PNTR,
we need George W. Bush's strong leadership to make it happen."
The
subtext:
Strong leadership, strong chin, strong thighs, strong man-furred
arms...
The
speech:
"Our nation has looked to open new markets and encourage
new partners."
The
subtext:
Attack on traditional male-female partnerships.
The
speech:
"But, the current administration is failing American workers...
They have squandered golden opportunities."
The
subtext:
Golden opportunities = golden showers.
The
speech:
"As Governor of Texas, George W. Bush has worked with President
Zedillo and other Mexican leaders to make the North American Free
Trade Agreement a win for workers and a win for consumers on both
sides of the border."
The
subtext:
A real man would have mentioned Mexico's number one export: Miss
Salma Hayek.
The
speech:
[brief pause.]
The
subtext:
He's sizing up Bob Barr's pecs.
The
speech:
"We have seen that freedom, once tasted, is irresistible."
The
subtext:
This is a direct quote from the homosexual recruitment handbook.
The
speech:
"The world awaits our people, our products, and our principles.
America must seize this opportunity."
The
subtext:
Opportunity for what? Sex with men? Huh? Huh?
Number
of times in the speech the word "will" appears:
7
Number of times in the speech the word
"grace" appears: 0
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