Please do not interpret this metaphor as implying you, or we, are pigs.

Monday, July 31

8:00 pm

Big Brother (CBS)
Not convinced of the evils of communism? Watch this horrifying documentary in which ten volunteers live life as it's lived in a Marxist society - five people to a bedroom, no dishwasher or television, and chickens owned by "the collective."

9:00 pm

Ally McBeal (Fox)
Once again, Ally has a dancing baby nipping at her heels, reminding her that aborted fetuses can't dance, ever.

Touched by an Angel (PAX)
Monica tries to help a headstrong journalist (Phylicia Rashad) who won't face up to her drinking problem. All will no doubt turn out for the best when she reaches an epiphany on her fortieth birthday and quits cold turkey, a better person for her experience.

Tuesday, August 1

8:00 pm

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? (ABC)
It's the Republican message in a nutshell: all Americans want to be millionaires, but most people can't be millionaires because they're too lazy. Really, that's the only reason.

That '70s Show (Fox)
Fez finally has a date with Jackie, and Kitty reveals her secret about her mother-in-law's necklace. If only these characters could know that the darkest hours of the Carter administration are yet to come.

8:30 pm

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? (ABC)
Another episode of the game show where people answer questions to become millionaires. Don't these people have fathers?

9:30 pm

The PJs (Fox)
When HUD won't provide a new water filter for the housing project, Thurgood and the tenants steal one. Typical.

Just Shoot Me (NBC)
Name your time and place, punk.

Wednesday, August 2

8:00 pm

Survivor (CBS)
In this show, when the majority has a problem with someone who's different, they simply kick him out. What a beautiful world that would be.

Dawson's Creek (WB)
Mitch and Gale book the honeymoon suite in Joey and Bessie's new B&B, which upsets Dawson. It seems that everyone is sleeping with everyone else, something which could have been prevented by government support for abstinence education.

9:00 pm

West Wing (NBC)
During a trip to LA, the president wastes taxpayers' money schmoozing with Hollywood celebrities and pretty girls. In other words, more reality programming. Who's with me?

Tres Mujeres (Univision)
Three wives? Huh? Do NOT watch this. No offense, Orin.

9:30 pm

Spin City (ABC)
When Michael J. Fox lies to the media, it's cute. When Joe Lockhart does it, our lives are a little poorer for it. Co-starring Heather Locklear!

Thursday, August 3

8:00 pm

Charmed (WB)
The WB occult factory keeps churning out series like this one, a frothy brew of covens, spells and conjuring. We're not saying that this hour-long pagan lovefest is directly based on Hillary, but come on.

Movie: "Set it Off" (Fox)
Queen Latifah and Jada Pinkett play women who choose to rob a bank rather than work. Violence, nudity, profanity, lesbianism, guns/weapons, alcohol/drug use and offensive language are all celebrated in this terrible film. But the acks-blay seem to ike-lay it. After the burdensome minimum wage increases imposed by Clinton-Gore, you'd think a job would look pretty attractive to an inner-city woman. But these characters dream of easy "Benjamins," not honest "Abrahams." And after all Abraham did for them.

8:30 pm

Becker (CBS)
Think of this election as the TV show "Becker" Ñ a rollicking comeback vehicle for a familiar face. No! Think of it like a Fox special where Robbie Knievel does something death-defying and inspirational. Just like his dad. That's a much better metaphor.

Daddio (NBC)
No one in America has ever seen this show. In the future, will the same be said of virtue?

9:00 pm

Will & Grace (NBC)
Thanks to Will and Grace, NBC begins its convention coverage one-half hour later than ABC or CBS. Tune in and see what the gay agenda has to say that's sooooo important.