Shop the MH Superstore!

After the "Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire" show, Darva told Matt Lauer that she wanted to just disappear back into her life. Why then, has she now decided to pose naked in Playboy?
A: Following her conversation with Mr. Lauer, Darva tried disappearing back into her life, but she discovered it to be a dull, dreary place populated by bores and nobodies who work at "jobs" and eat at unfamous restaurants. Additionally, she found "The Today Show," "Good Morning America," "Entertainment Tonight" and "Extra!" to be measurably less interesting when she was merely watching them from her davenport instead of posing in front of the cameras discussing her own tragically glamorous story.

Q: Tell us, is Matt Lauer really as cute and charming as he looks on television?
A: Indeed. Matt Lauer has moved solidly into the number one slot on Darva's "Future Mr. Conger" list. Currently at number two: the foreign guy who took George Clooney’s place on "ER."

Q: Moving on, at what point did Darva realize that her marriage, to alleged multi-millionaire comedian Rick Rockwell, wasn't going to work out?
A: The first indication came right away when she saw Mr. Rockwell ooze his way across the stage. Darva immediately recognized Mr. Rockwell's hair as a toupee or, even worse, real hair that looks like a toupee.

Q: Darva tells Playboy that, on the night of the show, she wasn’t thinking about impressing Rick Rockwell, only about not embarrassing herself on national TV. Rockwell apparently found her indifference to him appealing and chose Darva over 49 other contestants, leading to the greatest humiliation of her life. Is this perfect irony?
A: No. An example of perfect irony would be a multi-millionaire who, with a whole hour to decide among 50 women with low self-esteem, somehow picks the one who won’t have sex with him.

Q: Usually, the models in Playboy possess enormous, fake breasts, yet Darva’s breasts are quite small. Worse yet, Miss August, Summer Altice, also boasts relatively small breasts, and right after the Advisor column there is an entire page wasted on a "Get Caught Reading" public service ad showing Rosie O’Donnell curling up with Barbara Kingsolver’s "The Bean Trees." Is this issue worth the $5.95 cover price?
A: Only if you’re a very big fan of Gahan Wilson.

Q: Do you sometimes catch yourself saying "Darver Conga?"
A: Yes.

Q: What do Darva's parents think of her recent marriage, divorce and celebrity nudity?
A: Darva’s parents instilled in her a deep and abiding faith in the Almighty and our lord Jesus Christ, which is why they are very pleased to see that, instead of engaging in a covenant based in cynicism and commercialization, she decided to end her marriage to Mr. Rockwell.

They are also looking forward to driving their new Lincoln Town Car so graciously provided by Mr. Hefner.

Q: Has Darva seen Hef's mansion? If so, what are her favorite parts? If not, what does she imagine her favorite parts will be?
A: Darva has not yet been invited to the Playboy mansion and this worries her. It keeps her awake nights, in fact, wondering if they are laughing at her, Hef and his twins, lounging about the Great room in their open pajamas, sipping sangria through straws, occasionally spearing a brandy-soaked apple slice and touching it to each other's lips. Kevin Spacey happens by in a wet Speedo, glances briefly at Darva's spread, smirks at Chris Walken and pads back out to the pool. It's a terrible scene, but, of course it's all in her head. At Playboy, they respect her. They said so: Your scars aren't from a surgeon's knife, they are emotional scars—beautiful, emotional scars—the kind that can’t be airbrushed. So she relaxes and then imagines that her favorite part of the Playboy mansion would be the Grotto, because in the Grotto, no one would judge her. Everyone is equal in the Grotto. Sexy and equal.

Q: If Darva were to pose again, what sort of scenes or settings would she imagine for her second photo shoot?
A: Although she hasn't yet discussed it with Playboy editors, Darva has very specific ideas about the setting for her next pictorial: Several miles off the coast of Grand Cayman Island, there is a sandbar where hundreds of manta rays have fed for generations on the cleaned remains discarded from fishing boats returning from the sea. Never having to hunt for food, the sting rays live in perfect harmony with the sailors, divers and snorkelers whose love of nature's beauty draws them to these crystal waters. Intimately capturing her swimming with these magnificent creatures, Darva's pictorial will stand as a call for all mankind to be better guardians of Earth's living treasures. The accompanying text, penned by a prominent writer of Darva's choosing (perhaps Bill Zehme, or Gay Talese, if he’s still alive) will discuss her great passion for environmental issues, her admiration for Vice President Al Gore and her particular interest in protecting the world's coral reefs.

Either that or a malt shop.

Also by John Warner and Kevin Guilfoile:
The Britney Papers

Also by John Warner:
Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of Death Row Dubya
Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Dead Child Beauty Queen
Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Pirated MP3s

Also by Kevin Guilfoile:
Jesus! What Now?

Copyright 2011 Modern Humorist, Inc.
All Rights Reserved.
Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.