the "Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire" show, Darva
told Matt Lauer that she wanted to just disappear back into her
life. Why then, has she now decided to pose naked in Playboy?
Following her conversation with Mr. Lauer, Darva tried
disappearing back into her life, but she discovered it to be a
dull, dreary place populated by bores and nobodies who work at
"jobs" and eat at unfamous restaurants. Additionally,
she found "The Today Show," "Good Morning America,"
"Entertainment Tonight" and "Extra!" to be
measurably less interesting when she was merely watching them
from her davenport instead of posing in front of the cameras discussing
her own tragically glamorous story.
us, is Matt Lauer really as cute and charming as he looks on television?
Indeed. Matt Lauer has moved solidly into the number
one slot on Darva's "Future Mr. Conger" list. Currently
at number two: the foreign guy who took George Clooneys
place on "ER."
on, at what point did Darva realize that her marriage, to alleged
multi-millionaire comedian Rick Rockwell, wasn't going to work
The first indication came right away when she saw Mr.
Rockwell ooze his way across the stage. Darva immediately recognized
Mr. Rockwell's hair as a toupee or, even worse, real hair that
looks like a toupee.
tells Playboy that, on the night of the show, she wasnt
thinking about impressing Rick Rockwell, only about not embarrassing
herself on national TV. Rockwell apparently found her indifference
to him appealing and chose Darva over 49 other contestants, leading
to the greatest humiliation of her life. Is this perfect irony?
No. An example of perfect irony would be a multi-millionaire
who, with a whole hour to decide among 50 women with low self-esteem,
somehow picks the one who wont have sex with him.
the models in Playboy possess enormous, fake breasts, yet Darvas
breasts are quite small. Worse yet, Miss August, Summer Altice,
also boasts relatively small breasts, and right after the Advisor
column there is an entire page wasted on a "Get Caught Reading"
public service ad showing Rosie ODonnell curling up with
Barbara Kingsolvers "The Bean Trees." Is this
issue worth the $5.95 cover price?
Only if youre a very big fan of Gahan Wilson.
you sometimes catch yourself saying "Darver Conga?"
do Darva's parents think of her recent marriage, divorce and celebrity
Darvas parents instilled in her a deep and abiding
faith in the Almighty and our lord Jesus Christ, which is why
they are very pleased to see that, instead of engaging in a covenant
based in cynicism and commercialization, she decided to end her
marriage to Mr. Rockwell.
They are also looking forward to driving their new Lincoln Town
Car so graciously provided by Mr. Hefner.
Darva seen Hef's mansion? If so, what are her favorite parts?
If not, what does she imagine her favorite parts will be?
Darva has not yet been invited to the Playboy mansion
and this worries her. It keeps her awake nights, in fact, wondering
if they are laughing at her, Hef and his twins, lounging about
the Great room in their open pajamas, sipping sangria through
straws, occasionally spearing a brandy-soaked apple slice and
touching it to each other's lips. Kevin Spacey happens by in a
wet Speedo, glances briefly at Darva's spread, smirks at Chris
Walken and pads back out to the pool. It's a terrible scene, but,
of course it's all in her head. At Playboy, they respect her.
They said so: Your scars aren't from a surgeon's knife, they are
emotional scarsbeautiful, emotional scarsthe kind
that cant be airbrushed. So she relaxes and then imagines
that her favorite part of the Playboy mansion would be the Grotto,
because in the Grotto, no one would judge her. Everyone is equal
in the Grotto. Sexy and equal.
Darva were to pose again, what sort of scenes or settings would
she imagine for her second photo shoot?
Although she hasn't yet discussed it with Playboy editors,
Darva has very specific ideas about the setting for her next pictorial:
Several miles off the coast of Grand Cayman Island, there is a
sandbar where hundreds of manta rays have fed for generations
on the cleaned remains discarded from fishing boats returning
from the sea. Never having to hunt for food, the sting rays live
in perfect harmony with the sailors, divers and snorkelers whose
love of nature's beauty draws them to these crystal waters. Intimately
capturing her swimming with these magnificent creatures, Darva's
pictorial will stand as a call for all mankind to be better guardians
of Earth's living treasures. The accompanying text, penned by
a prominent writer of Darva's choosing (perhaps Bill Zehme, or
Gay Talese, if hes still alive) will discuss her great passion
for environmental issues, her admiration for Vice President Al
Gore and her particular interest in protecting the world's coral
Either that or a malt shop.
by John Warner and Kevin Guilfoile:
by John Warner:
Brown and the Case of Death Row Dubya
Encyclopedia Brown and
the Case of the Dead Child Beauty Queen
and the Case of the Pirated MP3s
by Kevin Guilfoile:
Jesus! What Now?