I really wish I didn't have to write this letter, but I'm afraid your deplorable behavior throughout the tour has made it necessary. I'll have to admit I was never that crazy about you being part of the "Up in Smoke" family. I put my reservations aside when Eminem assured me that you were a group of stand-up guys who would be willing to carry equipment, sell tickets, work the concession stands and clean up after shows, in addition to performing. However, things started to go wrong right from the start when you showed up for the tour orientation video fifteen minutes late and positively reeking of marijuana. You then proceeded to spend the entire video snickering derisively, ruining the video for both yourselves and co-workers—a video which, need I remind you, was made to benefit everyone on tour.

I would have been willing to overlook your disrespect, but I soon realized that such behavior was the rule rather than the exception. Not only did you show a complete lack of team effort by refusing to perform the aforementioned non-music related tasks (unlike Eminem, who has been a perfect dear during the tour, bless his heart), but you also held noisy parties that regularly lasted well past the 9:00 P.M lights-out. Now I'm a firm believer in allowing hard-working employees to “blow off steam,” but I couldn't help but notice that your party guests frequently included female dancers, in clear violation of the tour's ban on fraternization among co-workers, and I have reason to suspect that some of your soirees involved illegal substances. More importantly, though, the noise often disturbed Tray Deee of the Eastsidaz during his special alone time.

On a personal note, I and Snoop were both completely appalled at how disrespectfully you acted during the showing of my concert video. You know, a lot of people worked very, very hard to create that montage of topless women performing sex acts with me. You kept talking all the way through it, and I understand that some of the backstage crew couldn't hear the line “Should I do this muthafucker?”—a line which is integral to understanding the liquor-store holdup scene.

I was also dismayed by your refusal to memorize your stage banter. I didn't hire legendary gagsmith Stanley Bergman (who has written banter for the likes of Sammy.and Liza) just for you to ad-lib wildly onstage. Needless to say, rap fans come to a show to see professionals giving a carefully rehearsed performance, not a bunch of belligerent dopers wandering aimlessly. This is not appropriate behavior, and it will not be tolerated.

Furthermore, it has been brought to my attention that you have been using extremely graphic and sexist language in front of the women on our tour staff. This is not acceptable. Rapping about keeping bitches in check while onstage is one thing; creating a hostile and threatening work atmosphere is another entirely. I've also learned that you repeatedly use derogatory, queer-unfriendly terminology in your interpersonal conversations. This is similarly unacceptable, and Kurupt and Xzibit—both of whom volunteer regularly for AIDS charities—have let me know on more than one occasion just how much they don't appreciate your hate-speak and heterosexism.

Lastly, I just wanted to let you know that I didn't appreciate your habitual absence during the tour’s mandatory nightly prayer meeting. If you didn’t want to pray, you could have just observed a moment of silence, but it was mandatory for a reason—to build teamwork and character, two things you could learn a little about.

Swifty McVeigh, Kuniva, Proof, Bizarre and Kon Artis, I hate to do this, but I'm afraid you're going to have to leave the tour. You know how I dislike confrontation, and I'd like to give you one more chance, but, to be honest, I've offered your spot to a performer with a much more harmonious energy than you've brought to the tour. The fabulous Miss Diana Ross will be taking your place, and I feel sure that she will not only bring more positive spirit to our enterprise, but that we will also be able to save on food and lodging, as it is written into her contract that her backup band must sleep at the bus station and scavenge food from garbage cans.

Please leave your badges and identification cards on my desk by Thursday, and let me know if you need a letter of recommendation.

Peace Out,

Dr. Dre