Fellow eighth-gradians:

Before I explain why I should be your next president, I want to make clear that rumors of my reckless activities in elementary school are hogwash. I don't know who is spreading stories about me eating Pop Rocks and drinking soda at the same time, but I do know that I never did that. Whoever is percolating these myths is a liar. I will see to it that his pants are set on fire.

Liars have also been saying that my V.P. Dick Cheney hasn't voted in the last three student government elections. This is ridiculous. Dick is one of the most political students here—who can forget his dramatic Model U.N. season as the leader of South Africa? He boldly faced down public opinion by keeping apartheid in place and Nelson Mandela in jail. That, Joey Lieberman, is chutzpah.

I would also like to respond to reports that I called Adam Clymer of the Middle School Times a "major-league b-hole." This is totally untrue. Besides, you should have heard what he said about my mother at recess.

Now let's talk about my record. Over the last two semesters, I have proven myself a Hall Monitor with Results. As Monitor of the T Hall, the largest in school, I carried through important reforms by firmly prosecuting tardy students. It is true the population of "Wedgie Row" has swelled under my watch, but I assure you that all are guilty. Their punishment is both compassionate, and conservative. Though I know this has been a controversial policy, I hope to be a uniter, not a long-divisioner. I even want to include people who don't look just like me. That is why I want to say to Alejandro Gonzalez, the Mexican exchange student, "Your vote es muy importante to me, chico."