As I'm sure you've heard, Rudy Giuliani has dropped out of the race for seventh grade secretary, having come down with a bad case of mono.

My name is Rick Lazio and I'm here to replace Rudy. Most of you probably don't know me. I'm the kid with the headgear.

But that doesn't mean I haven't done big things at this school, where, I might add, I have been enrolled ALL MY LIFE. In sixth grade, I constructed a massive diorama out of papier-mache depicting the purchase of Manhattan, for which I won a blue ribbon at the History Fair. I am also a man of the people. Unlike my opponent, whose get-togethers have exclusive guest lists, I invited the entire grade to my last birthday party. It is unfortunate and strange that an emergency soccer game was called that night that everyone had to go to instead, but it would have been a great party. And maybe next time you guys will give me directions to the game.