Could You Be A Contender?

ATHLETES TRAIN their entire lives for a shot at Olympic gold. Suckers. Take this five-minute diagnostic and find out if you have what it takes to compete in the Olympics, and in which sport.

1. Sex:

female
male
East German swimmer

2. Height:

short
tall
freakish

3. Weight:

portly
stout
plump
corpulent
thickset
husky
stocky
obese

4. Body fat:

8%
9%
none of your business

5. In school, I was always picked for kickball

first
last
N.A.— see doctor's note

6. I give:

110%
200%
1000%
67%

7. I came to Sydney:

to win
to make my country proud
on a dare
and all my kids are getting is this lousy stuffed kookaburra

8. I perform best

under pressure
as an underdog
when someone close to me is really ill in an inspirational way
on performance-enhancing drugs

9. Which is best?

the thrill of victory
the agony of defeat
the free Gatorade

10. My most vigorous physical activity in the past two months was:

giving/receiving oral sex
getting to second base
kissing wife onstage at Democratic National Convention
walking two blocks to return porn video
Kama Sutra position 59, which includes a pole vault, hurdles, a back handspring and dressage

11. I am:

Michael Johnson
not Michael Johnson

12. My ideal coach is:

Pat Riley
Vince Lombardi
Coach from Cheers
someone Russian

13. I have the following unusual physical characteristics:

above-average lung capacity
ambiguous genitalia
a wandering eye
two wandering eyes
a prehensile tail

14. I have:

abs of steel
feet of clay
heart of glass
loins of pork

15. If I broke my ankle during competition, I would

continue competing on behalf of my team and my country, despite the pain
continue competing to please my coach, with whom I have a questionably intimate relationship
continue competing because I know I'll be more famous than Dominique
sue

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