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Are you ready for the Olympics? Can you prove it?
Take this quiz and find out how much you know.

Part One: Sports

1. Which of the following is now an Olympic event?

a. trampoline
b. pogo stick
c. sarcasm

2. In an effort to produce faster times, men's swimsuits are now:
a. longer
b. shorter
c. left in the locker room

3. Rank these summer Olympic sports in ascending order of stupidity.
Synchronized swimming
Table Tennis
Rhythmic gymnastics

4. Olympic sports term or dirty word?
Sports Term
Dirty Word
a. shaft
b. oxer
c. pimpled rubber
d. wet shots
e. snatch
f. fletching
g. rimfire
h. double stag ring
i. fliffis
j. Randolph
k. carpet muncher

Part Two: Scandals

1. St. Louis, 1904: U.S. runner Fred Lorz is initially declared the winner of the marathon but is then disqualified when it is revealed that for part of the race he was:

a. riding in a car
b. whacked out of his mind on a mixture of brandy and strychnine
c. buck naked
d. an octoroon

2. St. Louis, 1904: Thomas Hicks is declared the marathon winner after Lorz's disqualification. Although there is no rule against the practice, there is some controversy when it is learned that, during the race, Hicks had:
a. fantasized about Alice Roosevelt
b. dosed himself with a mixture of brandy and strychnine
c. lynched a black man
d. worn a placard advertising Coca-Cola

3. New York, 1920: U.S. swimmer Ethelda Bleibtrey, who will win all three women's swimming events later that year in Antwerp, is arrested for "gross indecency" when, preparing for a swim in New York harbor, she:
a. removes her ankle-length overcoat
b. removes her stockings
c. says "Jesus Christ, this water's cold."
d. has public sex with a young F. Scott Fitzgerald

4. Berlin, 1936: 22-year-old backstroker Eleanor Holm is thrown off the U.S. swimming team because, while she was aboard the SS Manhattan on the way to the Games, she:
a. dove off the ship and beat it into the harbor
b. drank a glass of champagne
c. observed Yom Kippur
d. hit another swimmer on the knee with a metal baton

5. Seoul, 1988: Canadian sprinter Ben Johnson is stripped of his gold medal and the world record after he:
a. tests positive for stanozolol
b. laughs at the idea of a Jamaican bobsled team
c. keeps doing bits from "Spaceballs"
d. bites the gold medal to test its purity

6. Detroit, 1994: While practicing for the Lillehammer Winter Olympics, U.S. figure skater Nancy Kerrigan is attacked by a man with a metal baton. Her teammate and rival Tonya Harding is implicated. According to Harding's ex-husband Jeff Gillooly, what other anti-Kerrigan schemes were considered and rejected?
a. spiking her yogurt with a mixture of brandy and strychnine
b. running her car off the road
c. outdoing her in a fair competition with pure skill and determination
d. having Jeff Gillooly seduce her and make love to her so tenderly and skillfully that she no longer cares about winning an Olympic gold

7. Salt Lake City, 1998: Two chief organizers of Salt Lake City's bid to win the 2002 Winter Olympics are accused of bribery, fraud, and racketeering. Which of these items was NOT used in an attempt to influence International Olympic Committee members?
a. plastic surgery at Utah hospitals
b. tuition at U.S. colleges for children of IOC members
c. rifles, pistols and shotguns
d. porno, whiskey and cheap glass beads

Part Three: Pageantry

1. Real Olympic mascots or fake?


a. Magique, a "Snow Imp" shaped like a Satanist pentagram
b. Hodori, a tiger wearing a hat on a string
c. Pibble, a killer bee smoking a hashish pipe
d. Millie, an echidna; Olly, a kookaburra; and Syd, a platypus
e. Izzy, a blue thing
f. Flimp, a snail that can fly and shoot lasers from its eyes
g. Schuss, a man on skis with a giant fish for a head
h. Sukki, Nokki, Lekki, and Tsukki, four Tamagotchi-like snow owls
i. Cobi, a smirking dog in a suit
j. Waldi, an unnaturally colored dachshund
k. Stuart, a sentient pile of shaving cream
l. Hidy and Howdy, two polar bears who apparently love country line dancing
m. Sam, an eagle vaguely resembling Gene Shalit
n. Vooty, a hippopotamus driving a bus filled with screaming children
o. Schneeman, a snowman with only a head

2. According to the musical director of the Opening Ceremony, this year's songs will "transcend cultural, linguistic and political barriers and focus attention on ____________."
a. the tattered remains of Olivia Newton John's career
b. Australia's role in East Timor
c. the athletes of the world
d. the buns on Kurt Grote
e. the gift shop

3. Fill in the blank from this official Sydney 2000 press release: "There is no _________ in the Closing Ceremony of the Sydney 2000 Olympic Games."
a. Tap-dancing wallaby
b. 'tribute to drag'
c. 'hardcore teen action'
d. artistic or theatrical value
e. margin for error

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