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To: My Fellow Americans
cc: Democratic and Republican Parties
From: Christina Nunez
Re: Rumors of Executive Changes

It has recently come to my attention that George W. Bush is on the short list for the top position here next year. I feel it my duty to inform you that should he be selected, I will be forced to tender my resignation from the country.

Although I am currently entertaining bids from Australia and the Czech Republic, I would be willing to consider a counteroffer. I believe I have made substantive contributions to our success, which is more than I can say for outside consultants like Thandie Newton, who seem to have management's ear these days.

It's true that there have been some regrettable incidents on my watch, such as the development of stuffed crust and the endurance of Regis. But in both cases I submitted extensive recommendations on how to avoid similar situations in the future. And although I did little to combat road rage or sweatpants, I certainly never signed off on them. As a team, we have made great strides on the Puffy situation. Also on the plus side, my tenure has seen the rise of Wes Bentley, echinacea tea that doesn't taste like dirt and the jammin' oldies format.

Yet this potential managerial change forces me to examine my commitment. Morale is at an all-time low thanks to the forest fires on company time and the quality assurance failure that resulted in the Backstreet Boys' "I'll Be the One" video. The final blow would be the elevation to the top spot of someone who can barely manage his own department, let alone the entire operation.

It would certainly dampen my enthusiasm for Secret Santa.

I have spent the better part of my career here—as has my whole family, ever since my great-grandparents joined several decades ago—and can envision myself taking on further responsibilities, including paying more taxes and adopting a pet. Our President himself said it in his State of the Union address: "As always, the credit [for our prosperity] belongs to the American people." The word around the water cooler is that he was referring to me.

I understand Mr. Clinton's assistant, Mr. Gore, is also under consideration for the position, but the general consensus is that we need to hire from the outside. Everyone knows there is a lot of turnover at Sierra Leone. Have we even placed a cold call? Perhaps we could woo someone from a start-up like Ukraine.

Please ask yourselves, can this organization afford a disruption in my gym attendance or my newsstand browsing? I can train a replacement in both of those arenas, but you risk permanently losing my familiarity with our stop-light system. This place simply does not have the reserves to handle a major brain drain.

I know we all want the best for this operation, and I am confident that we will be able to reach a solution. Any serious evaluation of my track record will lead you to conclude that retaining my services as an American is worth bruising Mr. Bush's sizable ego.

Thanks for your attention,

C. Nunez

P.S. If you decide to release me from my contract, I would appreciate a letter of recommendation.

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