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Q: Just how cool is PlayStation 2?
Extremely. Your mom will hate it, your friends will love it and your girlfriend will respect it. You heard me: PlayStation 2 will find you a girlfriend.

Q: Do I really have to buy a whole new system after spending hundreds of dollars on the first one? What the hell am I going to do with Madden '96?
PlayStation 2 can play all current PlayStation titles as well as your old Atari, ColecoVision, Nintendo, Super Nintendo, Commodore 64, Intellivision, Gameboy, Turbo-Graphix and ENIAC games. And it plays Hungry Hungry Hippos a lot better than your sister ever could.

Q: Wow, this thing is really amazing! What does the inside motherboard look like?
Like all the colors of the rainbow.

Q: Will the Tomb Raider movie be any good?
Bet on it! Director Simon West's previous films, "Con Air" and "The General's Daughter," were, um… Whoa, Angelina Jolie's in it!

Q: What new games are they going to make?
Great games. Awesome games. Games so innovative and unprecedented you'll have to invent new words to describe them. Like "snargily" and "shitacular." Such games include Ridge Racer V, a fourth version of Tekken and Final Fantasy 10.

Q: Final Fantasy 10?! It took me 650 hours to get through FF8, and FF9 hasn't even come out yet. I just don't have that kind of time anymore, what with my campaign to save "FreakyLinks" from cancellation and my "LOTR" countdown site. Can't they make these games shorter?
The upcoming Crash Bandicoot: Down Under Dingo Boogie takes 23 minutes to play.

Q: I hear PS2 can play DVDs. Will there be any DVD/video game convergence?
Yes, Tomb Raider: Uncut combines two discs worth of Lara Croft jumping, crouching and getting wet while the 1994 Sports Illustrated swimsuit video runs in the background.

Q: How do I get past the boss in the mineshaft tunnel in Parasite Eve 2?
Use your pyrokinesis to burn his face off, then while he's distracted, select the M-180 from your inventory to finish the job. Flip the switch on the wall to your right. (It'll take a second to find since the wall is covered in the boss's blood.) NOTE: These hints in no way advocate the use of violence to solve problems.

Q: My sales representative at Best Buy said that Sony cut the PS2 shipment in half and I'll be lucky if I get one before next year. What can I do with myself in the meantime?
Well, you could do three favors for three people, and then they in turn will do favors for three people, and then those three people will help three people, and it could be like some sort of a movement. Or you could buy Spyro: Year of the Dragon.

Q: How much will PlayStation 2 and a bunch of games cost? I already traded in my DreamCast at FuncoLand for thirty dollars credit!
How cute. You might also want to trade in your Nintendo 64, Razor Scooter, X-men #1 (2nd series) and "Austin Powers 2" Fat Bastard figure still in the box. Also, get your folks to think about a second mortgage.

Q: The system is going to be outdated by the time I get it! Should I just hold out for Nintendo's next platform?
Which would you rather own, a system called Playstation 2, a name you know and trust, or Nintendo's "Dolphin"? Sounds kinda, I don't know, queer. But, hey, how often you want to get your ass kicked is your business.

Q: Many of the Japanese PlayStation 2 consoles had bugs and were recalled. Oddly, your marketing efforts imply that PlayStation 2 is a device made of plastic and miracles, that to own it is to know raw bliss. Will PlayStation 2 not make me whole?
Sony Entertainment President and COO Kazuo Hirai has released the following statement:

Greetings valued American 18-to-34-year-old male. We are committed to bringing you high quality product for your time-wasting needs. Of course, we regret the inevitable malfunctions that may interrupt the soothing numbness of your PlayStation experience. While watching "The Matrix" DVD on PlayStation, you may realize it really kinda drags in the middle or notice that Joe Pantoliano is a terrible actor. Disc 3 of Legend of Dragoon may contain incongruous, yet enthralling, footage of Japanese schoolgirls riding bicycles. No, PlayStation 2 is not perfect. For perfection, you will have to wait for PlayStation 3, available in November 2004.

Pre-order now.

Also for geeks:
Star Saga
Speaking Truth to Superpowers
First Draft: The Empire Strikes Back

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