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Bread is thicker than water.

He who hesitates is pausing.

A bird in the hand is better than a kick in the face.

Beauty is only skin deep; it's really gross under that, I checked.

Don't cry over spilt milk or I'll slap you.

When Schrodinger's cat's away,
the mice may or may not play,
no one can tell.

Absence makes the heart grow and grow and grow, until it's a giant throbbing mutated mass destroying everything in its path! Beware! Beware the lonely monster heart!

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade, unless life only hands you, like, two or three lemons, in which case that's not really enough lemons to make lemonade and you might as well just use them to squeeze some lemon juice in your tea, or even just in ice water, that's pretty refreshing, or if you're having a party you could cut them up into wedges and garnish mixed drinks with them, and you might even want to consider investing in a lemon zester at that point, because fresh lemon zest is absolutely delicious in a martini (though you have to be very careful not to get down to the white part of the rind—make sure you don't go deeper than the thin yellow surface).

There's more than one way to skin a cat: front to back; back to front; in a long spiral (like peeling an orange); in strips (lengthwise); in strips (crosswise); limbs first, then the rest of the body; or simply with a really strong, sudden yank at the scruff of the neck.

You can't make an omelet. You just can't.

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Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.