EXTERNAL EVIDENCE OF INJURY

1.	Bite wounds on torso, head, neck and extremities are determined to be canine, most likely a large breed such as a St. Bernard. Traces of saliva contain rabies virus.
2.	Traces of foreign blood adherent in hair and on epidermis. Analysis indicates blood to be that of Sus scrofa domesticus, or common pig.
3.	Bite wounds over entire body are determined to be marks of the teeth, jaws or chelicerae of : Rattus norvegicus gigantus (giant rat), Zora spinimana giganticus (giant spider), Oxyloma haydeni gigantus mutatus (mutant giant slug), Panthera tigris (tiger), Bufo americanus gigantus (giant toad), Felis domesticus zombium (house cat, reanimated).
4.	Lack of subcutaneous fat indicative of rapid-onset advanced malnutrition.
5.	Compound fractures of tibia, fibula, femur, humerus, vertebral column, scapula, ribs, skull and pelvis indicate decedent struck by a red ’58 Plymouth Fury and/or multiple semi trucks, the latter directed very amateurishly.
6.	Cause of extensive tissue damage throughout body cannot be determined conclusively; evidence suggests either hypothermia from becoming disoriented in hedge maze during a snowstorm, or possibly injuries sustained in a furnace explosion.
7.	Grains of sand adherent on entire body indicative of burial in sand up to neck, which doesn’t sound so scary when you say it that way, but which when described with well-crafted and accessible prose is masterfully chilling.
8.	Blunt trauma injuries on both ankles consistent with a sledgehammer wielded in an Oscar-winning manner.

INTERNAL EXAMINATION

SEROUS CAVITIES: Before a thoraco-abdominal incision can be made, the chest cavity splits open and disgorges hundreds of live Periplaneta americanae (American cockroaches), which swarm from the body and disperse, causing several teenaged medical observers to shriek, drop their popcorn and exclaim "Eeeew!" G.I.TRACT: dissection of esophagus and stomach reveal large areas of hemorrhage and lacerations consistant with scratches from the claws of a domestic cat, as though cat had clawed its way out of stomach. LUNGS: Microscopic analysis of lung samples indicate decedent was infected with "superflu" of unknown origin but freighted with metaphysical significance. CIRCULATORY SYSTEM: Hemorrhages on the anterior surface of the heart indicate cardiac arrest, possibly induced by telekinesis. Entire circulatory system drained of blood, apparently through two large holes in neck. BRAIN: Massive trauma present throughout cerebral cortex consistent with injuries typically caused by insult to brain by two-dimensional characters, hackneyed dialogue and Eagles lyrics quoted as chapter sub-headings. CONCLUSION ON CAUSE OF DEATH: Natural causes. CORONER’S NOTE: Sheriff Alan Pangborn reported that paramedics responded to call for assistance and found decedent in cardiac arrest. Paramedics used defibrillator to start heart but then refused to continue resuscitation unless they were paid one dollar.