Shop the MH Superstore!

January 20: Take oath of office without ever removing lips from Tipper's.

January 21: Send McCain-Feingold Bill to Congress.

January 22-February 6: Cram in fundraising calls just in case it passes.

February 8: Clearcut something, just to rub it in Nader’s face.

February 10: Increase passion of kiss by factor of seven to reflect growing confidence in office.

February 11: Issue executive order to save Napster. Order DSL from Verizon.

February 12: Appoint Tommy Lee Jones to search out violence in Hollywood and terminate it with extreme prejudice.

February 14: Valentine’s Day. Gently maneuver tongue from standard kiss locality to "The Splitting of the Bamboo" position (consult "Art of Tantric Ecstasy," chapter 4).

February 16: Cancel afternoon meetings; wait home for Verizon.

February 20: Stand up to special interests.

February 21: Send letter of apology to special interests. Promise never to do it again.

February 23: Wait for Verizon.

March 3: Host kickball game on White House lawn. Try not to get picked last.

March 7: Place Social Security in iron-clad lock box. Take it out, just to peek. Tickle it. Put it back.

March 10: Wait for Verizon.

March 15: Get Tommy Lee Jones involved with new program: Strap a bomb to a movie and rig it to explode if the movie contains more than 50 acts of violence.

March 17: Replace weekly radio address with weekly radio lecture.

March 20: Commit military to new nation-building mission: construction of 1/5000th scale Lego nation in Pentagon basement.

March 23: In anticipation of opening day’s ceremonial first pitch, practice not throwing like a girl. (Consult Naomi Wolf on infield fly rule?)

April 2: Ask Tommy to introduce me to his agent.

April 10: Change national pastime from baseball to Trivial Pursuit.

April 13: Send military to France for nation-building mission. Rebuild nation with fewer berets, less bitter coffee.

April 15: Send script to Bill at DreamWorks.

April 18: Kiss enters third plane of non-being. Chakras explode.

Waiting for the recount?
See George W’s first hundred days

More Election Chaos 2000

Copyright 2011 Modern Humorist, Inc.
All Rights Reserved.
Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.