Modern Humorist tabulates all votes and forwards them directly to local election boards, except in cases where the votes differ with the political beliefs and loyalties of Modern Humorist.

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Candidates for President of the
United States of America
with helpful political party explanations

Propositions from around the country
Please vote only on propositions that apply to your state. Only your honesty prevents laws from being enacted in a random and arbitrary manner.

Proposition This initiative, which I’m sure you’ve been following so closely, requires the state to use sarcasm in all functions and actions. State records—which are consulted every single day by immensely important and interesting clerks—must be written in sarcasm. Persons who speak only sarcasm may not be denied state jobs or services, no doubt to their everlasting gratitude. This is really, really important, and our state will lapse into degeneracy if we don’t act now. Should this initiative become law? YES NO

Proposition This initiative requires that all food sold in the state be tasty, with the creation of a tax credit for the distribution, production and marketing of food that is both tasty and filling. Should this initiative become law? YES NO

Proposition This initiative enables the state to raise up to $700 million in public bonds for the construction of a great wall separating it from its neighbor, Ohio. Fie, fie on cursed Ohio! Should this initiative become law? YES NO

Proposition Should Doug Flutie continue to start at quarterback for the Buffalo Bills despite the imminent return of Rob Johnson? YES NO

Proposition Should every family in the state be given a $40 voucher per child for that child to purchase a cool new hat? YES NO

Proposition Shouldn’t the state not not accumulate lots of debt? YES NO

Proposition Isn’t it sad that some people are homeless? YES NO

Proposition Do you got the dope moves? YES NO

Proposition Is that what you call makeup? YES NO Because if that’s what you call makeup, come on.

Instant Exit Poll
Remember, your vote is like a DUI incident in your youth: private. No one from Modern Humorist will ever ask for whom you voted or for your AOL password.

Did you find this online ballot an improvement over regular, annoying voting where you have to go out of your way and wait in a huge line? YES NO

Who do you think most of the other people are voting for? Bush Gore Nader

Would you say that you tend to vote like most of the other people? YES NO

What’s Al Gore going to do if he loses? Seriously, do you think he’ll like cry and stuff? He will take it like the principled, pragmatic leader he is. He will do that half-sobbing, half-talking thing where ev, ry, syl, la, ble, comes, out, be, tween, lit, tle, gulps, of, air.

And if Bush loses? Eat whole pint of Chunky Monkey; execute someone Laura will let him campaign for three more weeks, then break the news Drink the case of Bud Ice he’s been saving in case of nuclear war

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