Q: If Al Gore won the popular vote by a margin of 300,000, and George W. Bush won the electoral college by a margin of four, how many apples does Kathy have?
A: It takes a lot more than apples to bribe the Florida Secretary of State. It takes caramel-coated apples. Hundreds of them. With no worm holes. And gold inside. And no worm holes!
Q: Should we abolish the electoral college?
A: Not unless we’re going to abolish slavery while we’re at it.
Q: Why do Bush and Gore care so much about becoming president of the United States?
A: You would too if you’d spent over a thousand dollars to make it happen.
Q: What did the hanging chad say to the dimpled chad?
A: “Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine we would one day become a source of internationally appreciated humor.”
Q: Is there anything the Supreme Court could say that would change the outcome of this election?
A: No—all of the Court’s rulings must be typed on fancy letterhead and signed in blood by each of the justices. Even the girls must participate, though their blood be pink.
Q: Regardless of which candidate wins—I realize it’s too early to say—won’t his or her administration be weakened by the electoral controversy?
A: You’ve been watching way too many science-fiction films, man.
Q: How do I explain what happened to my kids?
A: Just say they were kidnapped by a black man.
Q: No, I mean how do I explain what happened during the election to my kids?
A: Just say they were kidnapped by a black man at the polling station.
Q: I think you’re misunderstanding me. How do I explain TO my kids what happened during the election?
A: You have kids?
Q: Sort of.
A: It’s important for young people to learn about the democratic process as early as possible. If you have multiple children, organize a mock election between them for Most-Loved Child. If you only have one, organize an election between you and your child for the affections of your spouse.
Q: Could Dick Cheney’s ongoing history of heart attacks impede his ability to serve as vice-president?
A: Only if Bush passes some kind of controversial law that makes the heart a vital organ.
Q: Was my vote counted?
A: Where did you cast it?
Q: In my head.
A: Then yes.
Q: Would it have affected the outcome if I cast it in person?
A: Not at all. A single vote never matters. Nowhere was this clearer than in the 2000 presidential election, which involved a margin of over 500 votes, many times the number you could possibly have cast!
Q: What does the president do, anyway?
A: Mostly wave and stuff. I wouldn’t worry about it.
