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Q: Hasn’t this been the most exciting month ever?
A:
Clearly you are not an alum of the Meadowlark Summer Camp. Or, if you are, you were not there during the second session of ’86.

Q: If Al Gore won the popular vote by a margin of 300,000, and George W. Bush won the electoral college by a margin of four, how many apples does Kathy have?
A:
It takes a lot more than apples to bribe the Florida Secretary of State. It takes caramel-coated apples. Hundreds of them. With no worm holes. And gold inside. And no worm holes!

Q: Should we abolish the electoral college?
A:
Not unless we’re going to abolish slavery while we’re at it.

Q: Why do Bush and Gore care so much about becoming president of the United States?
A:
You would too if you’d spent over a thousand dollars to make it happen.

Q: What did the hanging chad say to the dimpled chad?
A:
“Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine we would one day become a source of internationally appreciated humor.”

Q: Is there anything the Supreme Court could say that would change the outcome of this election?
A:
No—all of the Court’s rulings must be typed on fancy letterhead and signed in blood by each of the justices. Even the girls must participate, though their blood be pink.

Q: Regardless of which candidate wins—I realize it’s too early to say—won’t his or her administration be weakened by the electoral controversy?
A:
You’ve been watching way too many science-fiction films, man.

Q: How do I explain what happened to my kids?
A:
Just say they were kidnapped by a black man.

Q: No, I mean how do I explain what happened during the election to my kids?
A:
Just say they were kidnapped by a black man at the polling station.

Q: I think you’re misunderstanding me. How do I explain TO my kids what happened during the election?
A:
You have kids?

Q: Sort of.
A:
It’s important for young people to learn about the democratic process as early as possible. If you have multiple children, organize a mock election between them for Most-Loved Child. If you only have one, organize an election between you and your child for the affections of your spouse.

Q: Could Dick Cheney’s ongoing history of heart attacks impede his ability to serve as vice-president?
A:
Only if Bush passes some kind of controversial law that makes the heart a vital organ.

Q: Was my vote counted?
A:
Where did you cast it?

Q: In my head.
A:
Then yes.

Q: Would it have affected the outcome if I cast it in person?
A:
Not at all. A single vote never matters. Nowhere was this clearer than in the 2000 presidential election, which involved a margin of over 500 votes, many times the number you could possibly have cast!

Q: What does the president do, anyway?
A:
Mostly wave and stuff. I wouldn’t worry about it.


More Election Chaos 2000
More FAQs

Also by Noam Weinstein:
FAQ: Suicide
Name That Baby
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