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Q: Hasn’t this been the most exciting month ever?
Clearly you are not an alum of the Meadowlark Summer Camp. Or, if you are, you were not there during the second session of ’86.

Q: If Al Gore won the popular vote by a margin of 300,000, and George W. Bush won the electoral college by a margin of four, how many apples does Kathy have?
It takes a lot more than apples to bribe the Florida Secretary of State. It takes caramel-coated apples. Hundreds of them. With no worm holes. And gold inside. And no worm holes!

Q: Should we abolish the electoral college?
Not unless we’re going to abolish slavery while we’re at it.

Q: Why do Bush and Gore care so much about becoming president of the United States?
You would too if you’d spent over a thousand dollars to make it happen.

Q: What did the hanging chad say to the dimpled chad?
“Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine we would one day become a source of internationally appreciated humor.”

Q: Is there anything the Supreme Court could say that would change the outcome of this election?
No—all of the Court’s rulings must be typed on fancy letterhead and signed in blood by each of the justices. Even the girls must participate, though their blood be pink.

Q: Regardless of which candidate wins—I realize it’s too early to say—won’t his or her administration be weakened by the electoral controversy?
You’ve been watching way too many science-fiction films, man.

Q: How do I explain what happened to my kids?
Just say they were kidnapped by a black man.

Q: No, I mean how do I explain what happened during the election to my kids?
Just say they were kidnapped by a black man at the polling station.

Q: I think you’re misunderstanding me. How do I explain TO my kids what happened during the election?
You have kids?

Q: Sort of.
It’s important for young people to learn about the democratic process as early as possible. If you have multiple children, organize a mock election between them for Most-Loved Child. If you only have one, organize an election between you and your child for the affections of your spouse.

Q: Could Dick Cheney’s ongoing history of heart attacks impede his ability to serve as vice-president?
Only if Bush passes some kind of controversial law that makes the heart a vital organ.

Q: Was my vote counted?
Where did you cast it?

Q: In my head.
Then yes.

Q: Would it have affected the outcome if I cast it in person?
Not at all. A single vote never matters. Nowhere was this clearer than in the 2000 presidential election, which involved a margin of over 500 votes, many times the number you could possibly have cast!

Q: What does the president do, anyway?
Mostly wave and stuff. I wouldn’t worry about it.

More Election Chaos 2000
More FAQs

Also by Noam Weinstein:
FAQ: Suicide
Name That Baby
My Modern Humorist

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