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by Ari Voukydis

1. According to Dan Rather, many of the candidates' projected leads:
"melted faster than ice cream in a microwave."
"vanished faster than Jimmy Hoffa."

"were cut down like mice in a rotary mower."
"shrunk like my nutsack in a bucket full of Icy-Hot."

2. According to Dan Rather, the election, overall,
"floated like a butterfly and stung like a bee."
"had more shocks than a Texas prison."
"crackled like a hickory fire."
"was full of more twists and surprises than an episode of CBS's 'Diagnosis: Murder.'"

3. Dan Rather noted that whoever loses the election will be:
"beaten like a red-headed stepchild."
"madder than a rained-on rooster."
"higher than hubcaps on a Ferris wheel."
"sadder than a kitten who's lost its mittens."

4. Dan Rather was quick to point out that Bush's electoral margin was:
"tighter than Christina Aguilera's pants."
"shakier than cafeteria Jell-O."
"real loose, like a long-necked goose."
"smaller than a Chinese circus dwarf."

5. According to Dan Rather, how do trends move?
"Like a tornado through a trailer park."
"Like a swarm of bees in a maternity ward."
"As unpredictably as an episode of CBS's 'Survivor.'"
"Like a virgin, touched for the very first time."

6. Bush:
"stampeded through Tennessee like a herd of Texas longhorns."
"plowed through the Mid-Atlantic region like a freak on a leash."
"ran through Dixie like a big wheel through a field of cotton."
"drove through the Midwest like a man behind the wheel with a 0.10 blood-alcohol level."

7. When Bush staffers learned that Florida had been moved into the "too close to call" category, they jumped:
"like they had been jabbed by a hatpin."
"like they had sat on a scorpion."
"like they got that Christmas goose a bit early, if you know what I mean."
"like their nutsacks were immersed in a bucket full of Icy Hot."

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