ARE YOU THE KIND of person about whom others ask, "What do you get for the man or woman who has everything?" Then you know first hand the disappointment of receiving inadequate gifts. Fortunately, you are also wealthy enough to know that what's truly important is not getting gifts from others, but buying them for yourself.

If you're frustrated by your inability to find things you haven't already bought, then you're ready for the Baal Brothers' Collection of Superfluous Newfangled Luxuries. Browse our offerings, and remember that with our latest e-commerce technology, even thinking about an item is considered an order. Shipping charges are guaranteed to be extra!

Solid Gold Executive Eye-Dropper

You've got the gold pens, the gold letter-openers, the gold teeth, but now you can make the previously embarrassing process of taking eye drops your personal parade of pelf. Our special accessory blend of ground diamonds and liquid silver may not improve your vision—in fact, it may eliminate it—but it will tell your colleagues that you have some very expensive sight-impaired or sightless eyes!

Who's Who at Your Address

In trimmed, sacred-cow leather—hardbound from the exclusive and prohibitively pricey Ozymandias Press—this non-judgmentally prepared volume, in which you are the sole and glorious entry, finally makes you the towering dignitary your money was supposed to. Each unmistakably Bible-esque book is prepared in Egypt by actual slaves. If you live in a home that is shared with others, rest assured that we will make short work of any competing pretenders on the premises, barring separate contracts with them.

Mansion Cozy

When you're not there—and that's most of the time, you workaholic, right?—our adorably knit titanium-thread cozy easily slips over and encloses your trophy home, and protects it from scuffing and staining, not to mention lava, heavy rain and clods of dirt hurled by resentful locals. It's the elegant old-fashioned alternative to hypothetical force fields or unbreakable glass domes, which we all know need constant washing!

Professional Vacation-Taker

Too busy to take your vacation? Of course—that's why you're rich! Our specially spa-trained hedonists will go wherever you'd like to—or feel you should—and are guaranteed to have a better time than you would. They'll hang glide, limbo, climb Everest and survive (or not—the options are plentiful!) and even appreciate art objects you'd be bored by. Anxiety-induced anhedonia no doubt dulls the piquancy of any moments of pleasure or relaxation for you—but our keenly-sensitized staff gets a thrill from fresh papaya juice, the mist on Titicaca or simply coasting downhill on a one-speed bicycle. Digitized souvenir albums superimpose you having fun, and for an optional extra fee there'll somehow be sand in your car. Wish you were there? Technically, you were.

A Cute Puppy with Your DNA

Everyone says their dog is like one of the family, but now yours actually can be! Imagine the thrill of knowing your genetically-engineered pup—from the tropical climate of media darling Doctor Moreau, Jr.—is going to be like you in so many ways! Even if they still tend to turn on their masters during the adolescent phase, these dog-children will gratify your narcissism in a way actual children or a large speedboat seldom do. An added plus: They age quickly, so you don't have to deal with them for long.

Also by Mark O'Donnell:
If Only He Could Draw