It's the holiday season's hottest purchase, but is PlayStation 2 right for you? These spec sheets will help you compare PS2 with other popular games, and explain what's inside PS2 and whether those rumors of imminent obsolescence are founded.

	SEGA DREAMCAST	SONY PLAYSTATION 2	MASTURBATION
Processor	128-bit "Dream Maker"	128-bit "Emotion Engine"	Parallel-configured 2-ounce testis
Processor Speed	3 million polygons/second	20 million polygons/second	2 million sperm/second
Communications Interface	Built-in 56kbps modem	Optional broadband adaptor	N.A.—too profound to share with anyone
Memory	16 MB	32 MB	20 years
Most Popular Games	World Series Baseball 2K1, NFL2K1, Soul Caliber	SSX, Tekken Tag Tournament, Madden 2001	Babysitter's Blues, Stick Shift 2010, Apprentice Plumber's Pipe, Sexy Secretary's Sick Day
Most Popular Characters	Taut, buxom, Lara Croft-like heroines	Taut, buxom, Lara Croft-like heroines	Taut, buxom, Lara Croft-like heroines
Benefits	Hand-eye coordination	Hand-eye coordination	Hand-penis coordination
Hazards	Loss of imagination	Failure to promote actual physical exercise	Both of these, plus blindness

Everyone knows that PS2's 300 mHz processor renders it capable of mip-mapping, bi-linear filtering, anti-aliasing, texture-correction and Z-buffering, but at what system specifications do other capabilities kick in?

Processor speed	Capability
100 mHz	Simultaneously rendering four polygons at 800 x 600 dpi
150 mHz	Emitting the smell of fear
160 mHz	Emulating ColecoVision
180 mHz	Making the nipples of Lara Croft appear "cold Jell-o" firm
190 mHz	Giving Jason Remus of Racine, Wisconsin his first hard on
200 mHz	Separating fact from innuendo
230 mHz	Picking the perfect Christmas present for my bed-ridden, manic-depressive mother
260 mHz	Provoking feelings of actual guilt and remorse after each Tekken hit
280 mHz	Casting a magical spell that makes Player 1 and Player 2 best friends for 15 years, until a drunk and desperate Player 2 makes an awkward pass at Player 1's fiancee
300 mHz	Doing all of the above in full color

PS2's Marketing Strategy against the Microsoft X-Box Remind people that we're the international computer, electronics and media conglomerate they love, not the one they love to hate Add new Betamax cassette player to interface to allow viewers to watch films at home at unprecedented resolution Knock Gates down and break his glasses

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