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Q:
Where is this year's Super Bowl taking place?
A:
Super Bowl XXXV will take place at the Raymond James Stadium in Tampa,
Florida. This fact is salient because
1. Any contest set in Florida will result in a nauseating
torrent of recount clichés
2. Raymond never liked football growing up.
Q:
What's so super about this year's Super Bowl matchup?
A: Going into the game, the Baltimore Ravens have set
an NFL record for allowing the fewest points in a season; the
New York Giants, meanwhile, gave up only 10 points in two postseason
games. Vegas oddsmakers agree that it's going to be a "super"
defensive struggle. Depending on which sportsbook you check, odds
on the game excitement level vary from "low" to "'Good
Burger' is on NBC."
Q:
What are the origins of the Super Bowl contenders' team names?
A: Although Baltimore is where Edgar Allen Poe was born and
where he died either from alcoholism or rabies, he was living
not in Baltimore but in Richmond, Virginia, when he composed "The
Raven." A more appropriate avian name for the Baltimore team
would have been the Flamingos after John Waters' "Pink Flamingos"
made entirely in Baltimore.
Giants is short for Gigantic Ants.
Q:
Why is there a pirate ship at one end of the stadium?
A:
In 1528, Pánfilo de Narváez landed on the shores
of Tampa Bay. Moments later, Pangea separated, leaving his ship
landlocked. In time, an open-air football stadium was built around
his vessel. Ironically, Pánfilo came to the new world in
search of domed stadiums with astroturf, which he felt would give
players better traction, quicken the pace of play and enhance
the glory of Spain.
Q:
Is it true that Giants defensive back Jason Sehorn is engaged
to Angie Harmon of "Law and Order"?
A:
Yes, in the heterosexual sense of the word. In a prearranged deal
with NBC, the cameras will pan to her exactly twice during the
game. The groom-to-be, 29, was born in Mt. Shasta, California.
He currently lives in Manhattan and is employed by the New York
Giants of East Rutherford, New Jersey. The bride-to-be, 28, was
born to Larry and Daphne Harmon in Dallas, Texas, and currently
resides in Manhattan where she works as the assistant district
attorney.
Q:
The Backstreet Boys are singing the national anthem, and 'N Sync
gets to sing at halftime, but what about...?
A: I guess it will be 98 Degrees on the field at game
time.
Feel free to use that, and these, too:
Which player stays the warmest in cold weather? Ravens tight end Ben Coates.
Which player gives the best haircuts? Giants
running back Tiki Barber.
Which player is the best at pleading guilty to
a misdemeanor obstructing justice charge after being accused of
murder? Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis.
Q:
I'm a fourteen-year-old male, and my best friend invited me to
a Super Bowl party this year. I think I'm going to attend although
I've never been to one before and I'm not much of a football fan.
What should I do to fit in?
A: Follow this four-point plan.
1. Upon arrival in the living, family or rec room,
let your friend's father, brothers and uncles take their positions
first. Do not assume you can sit on the sectional or that you
should have first pick of the hot wings.
2. Do not talk while a play is in progress, during the new Budweiser
commercial or while your friend is flicking his little brother
in the back of the neck, even after his little brother calls him
a cocksucker.
3. Whenever the referee tosses a yellow scarf on the field, nudge
your friend and shout "Fag on the play!" Never imply
that the football players themselves are homosexual or mention
that your cousin tried out for the Redskins before he went to
Hawaii to marry another man.
4. Ask your friend's dad to give his opinion of the Giants' defensive
strategy. Do not ask your friend's dad why he drinks so much or
why his football jersey smells like cat pee.
Q:
Is it true that reports of wife-beating and other domestic abuse
skyrocket immediately after the Super Bowl each year?
A: No. That statistic was proved to be apocryphal in an extensive
study funded by the Bitch Smackers Club of America.
Q:
Then what about that story about toilets around the world flushing
at the same moment during halftime and the Earth collapsing into
a giant suckhole?
A: That absolutely will happen, except worse. Think about
the centripetal force generated by just one toilet. Now multiply
that by 3.854 billion, the number of humans who have indoor plumbing,
a television set and a love of the pigskin. Assume that 14% of
those people do not have to use the bathroom at halftime, because
that is the percentage of the population with either a larger-than-average
or diseased or nonfunctioning bladder. The Institute of Standards
estimates that 67% of that 14% will go to the bathroom anyway just to escape momentarily from their families. Savoring the
fleeting tranquility, that 67% will wish in vain that there were
enough time to masturbate, sigh despondently into the mirror and
then flush the toilet even though they didn't use it to effect
the sounds of normal bathroom behavior. This brings us to an even
95.38% of the 3.854 toilets all flushing at the exact same instant,
the resulting force of which equals that of 1,022 Soviet-era hydrogen
bombs and four Hoover vacuums (the old kind).
In the resulting cataclysm, your house will be sucked though
the Earth's crust, mantle and molten magma, then more mantle and
more crust on its way to reemerging in a suburb of Beijing. Potentially,
your house could collide into a Chinese house on its journey through
the Earth, in which case you and your Chinese antithesis will
sit in the molten magma hurriedly attempting to bridge your ideological
and cultural differences before your tongues and skeletal systems
take on the consistency of duck sauce.
By halftime, the Giants will lead by a field goal.
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