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Hillary Clinton’s $8 million book deal with Simon & Schuster raised eyebrows, but Modern Humorist has analyzed the contents of the former first lady’s memoir, and determined that, in fact, every dollar is accounted for.

1. $120,000: Map to hidden eggs in White House Easter Egg Hunt

2. $25,000: Cute anecdotes involving Socks or Buddy

3. $50,000: Cute anecdotes involving Socks and Buddy

4. $10,000: African proverb on the subject of raising children

5. $10,000: Asian proverb on subject of marriage

6. $500: Serbo-Croation proverb on subject of health care reform

7. $30,000: explanation of complex algorithm employed to decide when to use "Rodham," "Rodham Clinton" or neither

8. $420,000: Quips about pantsuits

9. $400,000: Quips about chastity belts

10. $1,000,000: Descriptions of marital spats
($20,000 per meter traveled by thrown objects)

11. $2,704,500: Heartbreaking but dignified expressions of humiliation and betrayal felt in response to husband’s Oval Office infidelities
($300,500 per sexual act)

12. $30,000: Permission for Simon & Schuster editors to add up to ten scandalous and entirely untrue anecdotes

13 $200,000: Photograph of Vince Foster crime scene, pre-Park Police arrival

14. $3,000,000: Charming anecdotes about why Viacom deserves to own as many TV stations as it damn well pleases and why any federal regulations that say otherwise should be scrapped. (Note: If no room in memoir, save for floor debate.)

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