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The alligator in the opening montage? Her cousin is a good friend of one of our interns. That’s just one of our sources for the exclusive "Survivor" spoilers we’ll be presenting in this space every week. The really juicy stuff is written in hidden text, so you won’t accidentally learn anything you can’t handle. The really, really juicy stuff is written in hidden text and rebus form.

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Use your cursor to highlight the hidden text below.

Episode two will concern itself largely with Kimmi’s ongoing attempts to find somewhere to
masturbate. Privacy is an issue, but the rest comes easy: To no one’s surprise, it turns out Kimmi gets off on the sound of her own voice. Meanwhile, both tribes quickly get the hang of using fire, though over at Ogakor, Keith has some difficulty persuading Jerri that the flames will continue to burn even if she takes a break from summoning the fire gods on her bongo. He finally distracts her by showing her how to transport small amounts of fire from one location to another. "It’s… just… not… possible!" the perspiring actress gasps. The only trouble comes when Kucha’s fire blazes out of control after the tribe decides to use Debb’s leftover mascara as an accelerant. Jeff’s shirt is briefly ignited and he dashes to the river screaming, "Oh my god, I’m flaming!" "Tell us something we don’t know," mutters Alicia.

Thanks to heat and food, spirits improve somewhat, although the survivors are a little disturbed to discover that
their rice is infested with bugs. It looks okay at first, but when they bite into it, teeny, tiny flies swarm out of the individual grains. Jeff eats heartily nonetheless, then vomits. There are no other health problems, with the exception of Alicia’s cold sore, which now covers two-thirds of her face. At Ogakor, Colby wakes up thankful to be a Texan, and announces that the Australian Outback would be perfect if it were only a little more polluted and had a lower standard of education and more executions. In the most significant political development, Maralyn rises to leadership status when her daring prediction in episode one comes true: The sun does indeed come out at certain times, and there is shade in different places depending on the position of the sun.

As seen in the coming attractions, there are two challenges in the next episode. The first is a reward challenge. At stake: the right to never have to watch any of the CBS shows promoted incessantly during the "Survivor" commercial breaks. The task at hand is not quite as simple as it looks from the teaser, however. Yes, they do have to eat disgusting food, but the real trouble comes when they bite into the raw kangaroo brain and discover that… it’s full of bugs! Even the giant bug is full of other bugs. Kucha puts up a brave fight, but Ogakor wins easily when Keith sautees the brain with lemongrass and serves it with ginger reduction on a bed of wild rice pilaf. Celebration turns to recrimination, however, when Keith tacks on an automatic 20 percent gratuity, explaining, "Ze tribe, eet haz more zan six people."

To claim immunity, the tribes must survive the so-called Butch Cassidy challenge: jump off a cliff, swim down a raging river and get shot by the entire Bolivian army. Elisabeth psychs herself up in her accustomed fashion: braiding rags into her hair. For extra luck, she weaves in pages from Roger’s Bible. Unfortunately, she accidentally uses page 206, and he never gets to see how his Choose Your Own Adventure story ends.

Although our source would not divulge the winner of the challenge, we can deduce that it is Kucha. In the photo shown here, Kimmi clearly has the immunity idol hidden under her top. We were also unable to discover who will be voted off at tribal council, although we did learn that Eduardo breaks down in tears and is unable to collect himself until he gets a hug from Jeff Probst. We can also confirm that Mitchell bumps his head on the faux-stone arch. Have you noticed how tall that freakin’ guy is? Jesus!

—Daniel Radosh

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