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“It's official: Elton John will do a duet with Eminem at
the Grammy Awards in Los Angeles.” —New York Daily News

TO: National Academy of Recording Arts & Sciences
FROM: Eminem’s peeps

Dear Sirs and Madams:

We are delighted that Eminem will be performing at the 2001 Grammys with Elton John. Mr. Mathers is a fan of Mr. John’s work, notably "The Bitch is Back" (which Mr. Mathers refers to as "The Kim Song") and "Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting" (how true!). Mr. Mathers and his daughter Hailie also frequently enjoy Mr. John’s work in "The Lion King," although Mr. Mathers prefers not to watch Mufasa’s death scene.

There are a few ground rules we’d like to lay out before Mr. Mathers arrives in Los Angeles:
  • Mr. Mathers will be called "Mr. Mathers" or "Eminem," not "Slim Shady" or "Blondie McPants."

  • For obvious reasons, Mr. Mathers requests that Mr. John not wear his sequined L.A. Dodgers baseball uniform, his pink Eiffel Tower hat, his gold lamé platform shoes or any of his feather boas. A sequined wife-beater t-shirt is acceptable and encouraged.

  • No hugging!

  • Mr. Mathers hopes that Mr. John realizes that Mr. Mathers’ use of the word "faggot" is not intended as a slur against Mr. John, but rather as a slur against all cocksuckers and colon spelunkers in general.

  • Please do not forget about Dre.

Mr. Mathers is excited to be performing "Candle in the Wind 2001," an updated version of Mr. John’s legendary tribute to the great Marilyn Monroe. We think it will be the finest interpretation of an Elton John classic since William Shatner took on "Rocket Man." Here is Mr. Mathers’ proposed lyric sheet:

Sung by Elton John and

Goodbye Norma Jean
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to hold yourself
While those around you crawled

Hey, aren’t you the bitch whose skirt was always blown up?
You remember me, you said I made you throw up
‘cause I was there under that subway grating
And when I saw your panties I started masturbating
DiMaggio got pissed off, so I ripped his and your tits off
And smacked you both so hard I knocked your clothes backwards like Kriss Kross
You think diamonds are a girls’ best friend, you’re just greedy
I should tell the whole world how you gave Eminem VD

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never knowing who to cling to
When the rain set in

I can’t remember—did Jack or Bobby get shot dead first?
And how come they were arguing over who you gave head to first?
Even Jackie could tell it was evident
When you was rubbin’ yourself singing Happy Birthday Mr. President
Hey girl, was the Cuban crisis just a mix-up
That you fixed up by telling Castro where to get his d*** sucked?
Well guess what? I couldn’t find anything to hit you with
So me and Bobby shot you up with some barbiturates.

Mr. Mathers would also be happy to perform new renditions of other classics, such as "I’m Still Standing, Bitch", "Don’t Let the Sun (Or Elton John) Go Down on Me" or "Tiny Dancer."

A final note: Mr. Mathers reserves the right, up until showtime, to replace Mr. John with electronic pop chanteuse Dido. Thanks. See you in L.A.!

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Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.