Steven Soderbergh, Best Director, "Traffic" and "Erin Brockovich"
"When they told me two nominations, I said, 'What are you, high?' And then I said, 'What are you, drinking hexavalent chromium?' That about covered it."

Tom Hanks, Best Actor, "Cast Away"
"I'm flattered as always, but I really wish they'd nominated Meg, too. What? That was a soccer ball? Are you sure?"

Julia Roberts, Best Actress, "Erin Brockovich"
"I am so glad the nominations came out before 'The Mexican' was released."

Benicio Del Toro, Best Supporting Actor, "Traffic"
"I just [unintelligible]."

Kate Hudson, Best Supporting Actress, "Almost Famous"
"I just screamed! Then I giggled. Then I flounced about in a quirky, offbeat playful way with a daffy, loopy grin. So did my mom!"

Cameron Crowe, Best Original Screenplay, "Almost Famous"
"It was worth all the blood and sweat. It's no joke working with a fierce tiger, even if it was on a chain, and wearing 15 pounds of armor, but-oh, wait, I'm getting myself confused with Russell Crowe."

Russell Crowe, Best Actor, "Gladiator"
"The Oscars don't really mean that much to me. There are lots of things more important in my life, like running my ranch, playing in my band and avoiding Meg Ryan's phone calls."

Björk, not nominated, "Dancer in the Dark"
"At times like this I ask myself, 'What would Timmain, the queen of the elves, do?'"

Christopher Guest, not nominated, "Best in Show"
"I knew we should have fucking used cats."

Catherine Zeta-Jones, not nominated, "Traffic"
"This hurts. My only consolation is that Michael is not merely a giving actor, but a compassionate and attentive husband."

Michael Douglas, not nominated, "Wonder Boys"
"What? I don't deserve more than one Oscar every thirteen years?"

Mark Ruffalo, not nominated, "You Can Count On Me"
"It's an honor just being nominated. Oh, wait, I wasn't nominated. Well, it's an honor just being selected as Roger Ebert's pick for Best Actor."

Robert Nelson Jacobs, Best Adapted Screenplay, "Chocolat"
"Holy fuck. I can't believe they fell for Harvey's bullshit again."

István Szábo, not nominated, "Sunshine"
"I would've been nominated. They just couldn't risk Drew Barrymore trying to pronounce my name on live TV."

Julie Walters, Best Supporting Actress, "Billy Elliot"
"When I got the call, I just looked at my beautiful daughter, Maisie, and I thought, wow, my life is great. I have everything I've ever wanted. Except an antigravity scooter."

Tom Cruise, not nominated, "M:I-2"
"My failure to achieve a nomination this year is a result of spending too much time with a woman who, unbeknownst to me, was operating at a level of 1.1, or covert hostility, on the Tone Scale chart, thus creating debilitating engrams that effected my performance. I intend to spend the coming year working to achieve Clear and dating Greta van Susteren."

Ashton Kutcher, not nominated, "Dude, Where's My Car"
"Dude, where's my Oscar? No, seriously. Where's my fucking Oscar?"

Mitch Lebwohl, telemarketer in Sandusky, Ohio. Not nominated
"Actually this is quite a relief. I wouldn't have been able to handle all the pressure."

"The nominations are a striking example of my commitment to bipartisanship."
George W. Bush, President