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Hey folks...SCOOP O’SPOILSTER here with all the latest behind-the-scenes news about your favorite films in progress. Here’s a report from our spy on the STAR WARS II post-production team, SITHLORD:
The prequel is still not titled. Rumored possibilities are "Episode Two: Even More Phantomy," "Episode Two: The Battle Between Good People Who Are Really Admirable and Heroic (Although Flawed Enough to be Human and Not Cardboard Characters) and Bad People Who Are Evil,(But Again, In a Conflicted and Well-Rounded Character Way)," and "Episode Two: Jar Jar And the Haunted Mansion."
STAR WARS II SPOILER!! Sometime in the spring of ‘02, "fantomboy" will have an all-out, earth-scorching flame war with "bantha" about whether Lucas messed up by making Anakin "too good" in TPM and thereby making it unbelievable that he would go so far to the dark side to become Darth Vader." Details: "fantomboy" will call "bantha" a "whiney [sic], anal, malcontent." WOW!! I already can’t wait to see this!
MORE STAR WARS EPISODE II!!! Check out the redesigned light sabre!
Speaking of awesome sci-fi, check out this photo from the set of LOTR!! Yes...it’s just what it looks like...a garlic bagel which was later eaten by Elijah Wood (Frodo Baggins)! Our spy GALADRIEL writes "I was walking by the craft services table early one morning and noticed that there was no security looking on or anything! Thank God I remembered to bring my camera that day. This is Elijah’s favorite kind of bagel and I knew he would snag it when he arrived--which he did! It was a fairly large bagel...not much of a hole...the garlic seemed to be heavier on one side than the other. There were about 4 almost burned spots on it. Not sure if this comes through in the photo." WOW!!! I had to put my eyeballs back in their sockets after this! Thanks, GALADRIEL!
(Also, if you haven’t seen it yet, check out the LORD OF THE RINGS TRAILER!!!!)
We have the first PLANET OF THE APES pic of Helena Bonham Carter in ape princess makeup!
MORE HARRY POTTER!! Insiders say that the movie poster might look something like this!!!
SPOILER ALERT!!!! The latest rumor about the script for Sam Raimi’s SPIDER-MAN, now in pre-production, is that Spidey’s alter ego is really PETER PARKER!!! Could this be true??? The photographer who works for J. Jonah Jameson turns out to be the web-crawler? What a twist that would be!!! My head started spinning when I heard this and still hasn’t stopped! Can you imagine the possibilities??? Peter Parker is always disappearing on MJ anyway...the writers could tie his mysterious absences in with his identity as Spidey!! And can’t you just see the talented Tobey Maguire getting his teeth into BOTH roles!?? Whoever thought of that is either a raving lunatic or a genius!!!
RATED "S" FOR SPOILER! One of our best scoopsters got some juice on the BLADE 2 script! He says that someone is going to die early on in the movie! Could be a major character, could be a minor character, could be a walk-on, but there will definitely be one death...if not more! And that’s not all, folks--this death is going to be a MURDER! Now, don’t spoil it for anyone else...keep this to yourself!
SPOILER ALERT! Don’t read any further if you don’t want to know when Laura Dern, cast in JURASSIC PARK 3, will die—not in the movie, but in real life! Medical experts have analyzed all the clues and say that the actress will die peacefully in her late eighties, no doubt after living a long and happy life!! By the way, check out these dinosaur eggs which will be used in the film!
SPOILER!!! Trustworthy sources say that A.I., the last project developed by Stanley Kubrick and taken over after Kubrick’s death by Steven Spielberg, will be called "One of the Year’s Best!" (Bill Zwecker, FOX-TV) and "Magnificent!" (Andrew Johnston, US Weekly). However, twenty years after its release it will be considered "Overrated..." (Kate Matthews, The Holographic News). A few centuries later, A.I. will be almost completely forgotten when a second Ice Age and a meteor strike doom civilization all over Earth. The last existing DVD of A.I. will be burned for warmth by a nomadic Irish tribe in 2304!
THE MATRIX 2--SCOOP! One of our operatives on MATRIX 2 preproduction informs us that an invoice will be paid to Manex Visual Effects in six equal payments and that a stamp depicting the U.S. flag will be used to mail the first check. Could it be true? Up till now the rumor has been that the bill will be paid in four payments with a "Breast Cancer Awareness" stamp! We’ll be keeping track of this story--that’s for SURE!
BATMAN: YEAR ONE! Could it be that a complete unknown will be the next to don the cape and cowl?...I don’t mean for the movie, just for a Halloween party!! You heard it here first...and we have photos of the costume!
GABBEH 2!!! You heard right—Iranian director Mohsen Makhmalbaf is casting the sequel of his visionary 1996 masterpiece about an elderly couple and their gabbeh (an intricately-designed rug)! And the latest rumor is that it will NOT be simply a lyrically imagined mix of anthropology and faux-naïf fabulation but will also shatter the filmic vernacular with endlessly mutating narrative viewpoints which recurrenty alter our perspective on time and place and truth!!! We’re hoping that one of our spies comes through with storyboards of the weaving scenes.
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More Movie Madness by Martha Keavney
Bloops, They Did It Again
Didja Know? Movie Trivia for Trivial Movies
More humor for geeks speculative fiction aficionados
Quantum Geek
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All Rights Reserved.
Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.
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