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FADE IN: Mealtime
All the crew members are lined up along the corridor. Lt. Patrick C. Honeck steps into the middle of the hall.
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LT. PATRICK C. HONECK
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Now it’s time for "The People’s Republic of China’s Court!"
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AVIATION MACHINIST’S MATE
SECOND CLASS WENDY S. WESTBROOK
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(listlessly imitating "People’s Court" theme) Duh-duh dum. Duh duh dum dum, Duh-duh dum.
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Two Chinese guards enter and signal the prisoners to move toward the dining hall.
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CHINESE GUARD #1
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LT. PATRICK C. HONECK
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(ignoring guard)
Starring Rusty the bailiff!
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CRYPTOLOGIC TECHNICIAN
SEAMAN BRADFORD BORLAND
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(stepping forward, looking down as he reluctantly speaks) Hi, I’m Rusty the bailiff. And... Um.
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LT. J.G. JEFFERY R. VIGNERY
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CRYPTOLOGIC TECHNICIAN
SEAMAN BRADFORD BORLAND
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LT. J.G. JEFFERY R. VIGNERY
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(checking notes, carved on inside of forearm with piece of slate ripped from cell floor) You say, "Today’s case: The Slants vs. the Yanks." And then you’re supposed to turn to the camera, and wink.
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CRYPTOLOGIC TECHNICIAN
SEAMAN BRADFORD BORLAND
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What camera?
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CHINESE GUARD #1
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AVIATION MACHINIST’S MATE
SECOND CLASS WENDY S. WESTBROOK
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Lieutentant, if I may, this seems kind of silly—
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LT. PATRICK C. HONECK
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Private, this is how we’ve determined the unit will pass the time. So until you hear otherwise, you’re playing Judge Wapner.
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CHINESE GUARD #2
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Wapner no longer on program.
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LT. PATRICK C. HONECK
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Don’t believe him, Westbrook! That’s classic psych-op. Remember your training!
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CHINESE GUARD #2
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Wapner no longer on program. I think Ed Koch.
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LT. J.G. JEFFERY R. VIGNERY
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(checking notes on arm) Should we do "Crocodile Hunter"? I haven’t worked out the ending yet. Wait a second—Ensign Bensing, how’s your Regis?
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ENSIGN RICHARD BENSING
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CHINESE GUARD #1
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Yes, Regis very funny. "You are weakest link. Goodbye!"
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CHINESE GUARD #2
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No, Regis other one. "Final answer."
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LT. PATRICK C. HONECK
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Oh! Let’s do the "Everybody Loves Jiang Zemin" sketch. Who brought the props?
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LT. J.G. JEFFERY R. VIGNERY
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Shall I have Ensign Bensing abort the "Millionaire" sketch?
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LT. PATRICK C. HONECK
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(Australian accent) Don’t go making no sudden changes on ‘im! He’s a right "dayngerous" specimen! (Lt. Honeck tackles Ensign Bensing to the floor and attempts to pry open his jaws.) Look at ‘is teeth! Thay’re sharp!
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Lt. Vignery dissolves into laughter.
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CHINESE GUARD #2
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And...scene! Ha ha ha! Very good! You so much funnier than grumpy Falun Gong.
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They have arrived at the dining area.
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AVIATION MACHINIST’S MATE
SECOND CLASS WENDY S. WESTBROOK
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(to Ensign Bensing) Can I have one of your cyanide capsules?
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