Rabbit #43, 6 weeks, 1 day Abnormally phat.

Monkey #67, 7 weeks, 4 days Instead of throwing own feces, hurls witty bon mots.

Mouse #14, 8 weeks, 3 days Refuses to run in the spinning wheel; doesn’t "see the point anymore."

Chimpanzee #432, 18 weeks, 2 days Thought "Chocolat" should have won Best Picture.

Rabbit #25, 20 weeks Developed only mild allergic reaction after cosmetics repeatedly applied to eyeballs.

Rat #287, 27 weeks Tweed vest I knitted for him makes him look fat. (Possible genetic defect on my part?)

Mouse #55, 32 weeks, 6 days Seems somewhat sluggish. Also, has grown human head.

Rat #356, 54 weeks He’s just like his father.

Unicorn #231, 57 weeks, 6 days Has grown to twice the size of an average mythical creature.

RATT #2, 60 weeks Lacks the brash, melodic underpinnings that made "Round and Round" a Top 40 hit in 1984.

Mouse #23876, 66 weeks Prematurely aged; already wants to leave home and make it on his own, maybe get a roommate or something.

Human females #7, 14 years Adorableness should have worn thin weeks ago, yet Project Olsen continues to win hearts.