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From: George W. Bush
To: Albert Gore, Jr.

Dear Al,

Many people have told me that I should that I could help “heal the wounds” from our election by giving you a job. Uncle Dick suggested I make you Ambassador to some country or other, only he didn’t say it like “Ambassador.” He kept saying “Amb-ASS-a-DORK,” over and over and cracking himself up. Anyway, I’ve been smurfing on that Internet of yours, and I have a few thoughts about what our technology policy should be. Maybe you could tell me what you think. I can’t even find anyone around here to show me how to make a birthday invitation in Corel Draw:

1. First, we’ve got to make Internet language more simpler so the common man can understand it. I mean, the only “cache” I know of is the stuff that Big Tobacco lays on the RNC, and “Flash” is a superhero who wears a tight red suit and can run so fast he becomes invisible. Or at least a red blur. With that in mind, I’m issuing an Executive Order directing all computer users that Java must be called either “coffee” (or alternatively, “Joe”), and henceforth, Spam shall be known as “pork shoulder and ham.”

2. As you know, I pledged to give power back to the people and end gridlock in Washington. Therefore, all of my future appointments to the cabinet and Supreme Court will undergo a rigorous examination at the hands of the American People:

3. Poking around on the Internet I found two very popular, but potentially harmful obsessions: Star Trek and pornography. That sexy, half-Borg lady wears leather that’s tighter than a Supreme Court decision on gay boy scouts leading school prayers. To stop these twin evils dead (and I’m talkin’ deader than Khan after an up-close encounter with a photon torpedo), I propose that parents need to encourage their children to download less titillating Borgs like these.

4. I understand that the security and privacy of information on the Internet is a big concern for many citizens. Therefore, I want banks and the military to use an elaborate encryption technology, one that used to crack up Jeb and me in junior high. To see how seemingly-random numbers can turn into hilarious words, type the answer to these riddles into a calculator, and then turn it upside down to see the un-encrypticated word. (No, really, try it.)

Where’s our economy going to go straight to if we don’t pass my 1.6 trillion dollar tax cut?
Answer: 7734

What was Dolly Parton after she visited the porcupine factory?
Answer: 55378008

I’m sure you’re real busy (not!), but send me an “e-mail” (from now on to be called a “computer letter”) when you get a chance. After that, we can talk about your future job in my administration as Undersecretary (or “UNDIE-secretary” as Uncle Dick would say) of 26k modems.

Yer pal,

This piece originally appeared
in Yahoo! Internet Life magazine

More mocking of the president:
George W. Bush Scrapbook

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