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Dick Cheney
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Dear Uncle Dick,
While we await the unfortunate defecation of Sen. Jeffords, there's something we need to talk about. Now don't get me wrong, I love being president. But if I never have to hear “Hail to the Chief” again, I'd be a much happier Texan. Did you know they even have a brass band stationed in the Oval Office bathroom to play that stupid song 24-7?

I've got some suggestions for substitute songs I want to run by you and Karl. I've made this my Number Two priority for this year, right behind education.

The Waitresses, “I Know What Boys Like”
They sure do know what boys like: girls in waitress outfits. Well, that and baseball.

Scorpions, “Rock You Like a Hurricane”
If I had my way, and I do because I'm the President, this song would be played all the time. A truly American song from a great American band.

ZZ Top, “Legs”
I used to sing this before Laura would go on stage to give some speech but she said it was sexist. Hey, if loving the sweet gams of a good lady is sexist, then I don't want to be not sexist.

Coldplay, “Yellow”
Just kidding. Wussy British music bites!

Jim Croce, “Bad, Bad Leroy Brown”
I'm the baddest man in the whole damn town!

The Vapors, “I Think I’m Turning Japanese”
I really think so.

Rupert Holmes, “The Pina Colada Song”
Laura suggested this one because it was our wedding song.

The Georgia Satellites, “Keep Your Hands to Yourself”
Solid rock from good Southern boys. But maybe it would have been more appropriate for the last guy who lived here.

Let me know if you can secure the rights to any of these. You know where to reach me.

As featured on

Non-musical mocking of the president:
George W. Bush Scrapbook

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