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DFW: Let me say for the record that is not a Web site. It is not a community. Slashdot is a religion. (“Religion” being understood as an open-source narrative to which we can all add a line of code, and, of course, by “code” I mean testimony1.)


We have seized this pathetic “humor” site and interrupted its pathetic “humor.” We will bend it to OUR will, using it as a platform for our twisted message of HATRED and SELF-IMPROVEMENT.

We have HACKED this site and written MEAN THINGS about it on the Webby Awards message boards! Do not MESS with us! The Chinese hacker attack? It was WE who orchestrated the chaos! We have devoted minions, 23rd century computers and an IDIOT'S GUIDE to Unix. We have used them WELL.

The point of all this terror? To send a message: the world should FEAR us! Many lesser beings have asked, “Dr. Profanity and Vic Vulgar, how did you become such powerful, evil overlords?” The answer, weaklings, is that SUCCESS begins with a dream. Forget this smug New York media-elite piece of CRAP! Instead, follow along, if you dare, as we examine the keys to a successful CAREER and fulfilling SOCIAL LIFE: Greed, Deceit and Heat Vision.

“Is it in you?”

Members of our super-villain group, the Legion of Bastards, all share ONE conviction: Other people SUCK and the world OWES us. Ah, that's two convictions, you say, but that's just how GREEDY we are. Why have ONE conviction when you can have TWO? But those are our only convictions. Everything else is up for grabs.

In order to live your dreams, you must have so much raw GREED that nothing will stop you from SINGLE-MINDED pursuit. Our dream is to be the undisputed OVERLORDS of a mid-size American city, one with an educated worker base and a decent transportation INFRASTRUCTURE. Like Boston. We also want a RELIABLE service that will deliver videos and snacks to our door in under an hour. We will kill ANYONE who gets in our way.

YOUR dreams might be more modest, to WORK OUT more or to get some extra vacation time. Tell us, miserable cur, will you let society's ridiculous “laws” stop you?

“Beats working (until working begs for mercy)”

Think for a moment about all the people in your life who have stuff that is rightfully YOURS. Think about their elegant possessions, their widespread respect or their ability to fly. The suckers, they probably attained those things through HOURS of effort or from being born on another planet.

Well, we seem to recall a little television show called “SURVIVOR” where people went to an ISLAND and proved that hard work and extraterrestrial origins are STUPID. The wicked lord RICHARD HATCH took what he wanted through TRICKERY and LIES. Lord Hatch, if you're reading this, please return our CALLS. The Legion of Bastards has an opening.

How can YOU use deceit to find inner peace? Start by appearing to all the world like a dedicated and industrious worker… while secretly using company time to surf frivolous Web sites. Ah, yes, see how naturally it comes?

Heat Vision
“Your ace in the retina”

Forgive us for being OLD SCHOOL, but we’d trade in just about ANY super power for heat vision. People with heat vision walk just a little TALLER, hold themselves with more confidence. They have a LOOK that says, “I don’t want to melt you, but I COULD.” If we ever get heat vision, the city of Boston and the entire bay area will be OURS.

That concludes today’s lesson, vermin. But know that we can retake this Web site at ANY time. We have a friend who dated the WEB MASTER and her name is the PASSWORD.


Dr. Profanity and Vic Vulgar
Members in good standing, Legion of Bastards

BEYONCÉ: That was the last straw. Me, Kelly and dad sat down with her, and I said, “You hear that scraping sound? That's your red, plastic spoon hitting the bottom of the Blizzard cup. You’re done.” Michelle just never understood what this group is all about.  •

1. By “code” I mean “testimony” in the Dostoevskian sense of testimony as a solemn declaration made by a witness under oath esp. in a court. That's what I mean.

More comic book adventure:
Speaking Truth to Superpowers
Alan Greenspan's Tales of Terror

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