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Planet of the Apes
In the original film’s shocking ending, Charlton Heston discovered that the planet of the apes was actually the Earth of the future. In this new version, Mark Wahlberg is shocked to discover that the female ape he falls in love with (Helena Bonham Carter) has a 13-inch penis. (Ms. Bonham Carter required no prosthesis for the role.)

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within
Actors worry that realistic computer-generated images could make them obsolete. James_WoodsSimBot v4.5q has no such concerns.

Cats and Dogs
Ever wonder what would happen if cats and dogs could talk? Warner Brothers does. And so does director Larry Guterman. And co-screenwriter John Requa. And prop master Dan Sissons. They all hope you’re wondering, too.

Jurassic Park III
Low-budget indie pic about a boy, his dog and one magical summer.

Scary Movie 2
Tim Curry appears in this spoof sequel as a hammy, pretentious parody of himself. Christ, Tim, what the hell happened? Can you trace it back to the moment it all went wrong?

Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Musical film explores the cost of love through the eyes of a man who willingly relinquishes his penis in order to gain access to a land of unfettered capitalism. Originally titled "The James Brolin Story."

America’s Sweethearts
Synopsis: John Cusack and Catherine Zeta-Jones play married screen superstars who have to promote their latest movie together just as Cusack is falling for Julia Roberts, who plays Zeta-Jones’ sister.

Ms. Roberts’ reaction: "Oh, thank you, thank you ever so much. I’m so happy. Thank you. And sir, you’re doing a great job, but you’re so quick with that stick so why don’t you sit because I may never be here again. I want to acknowledge so many people that crafted the synopsis of this film, and thank everyone I’ve ever met in my life. This synopsis was sinfully fun to make, and Roy Hall is my friend, and my pleasure to work with. And turn that clock off, it’s making me nervous! And Nick Nadel, you truly just made me want to be the best actor that I suppose I never knew I could be, or aspire to. And I made every attempt— stickman, I see you— so I thank you for really making me feel so… [eardrum-piercing scream] I love it up here! Benjamin Bratt, my friend Martha, my brother-in-law Louis, Elaine Goldsmith-Thomas, who’s been my agent since God was a boy, Jeff Berg, my mom, and just Daniel and Alexandra and Pat and everybody who’s watching at home, John Aboud and Michael Colton, everybody. I love the world! I’m so happy! Thank you!"

American Pie 2
What will Jason Biggs stick his penis into this time? A jar of marmalade? A beehive full of angry bees? A human vagina?

Osmosis Jones
In the Farrelly brothers’ latest farce, Bill Murray, a zoo-keeper, becomes infected with a potentially fatal monkey virus. Animated sequences featuring the voices of Chris Rock and Laurence Fishburne follow the deadly virus as it courses through Murray’s insides. Within a few days of becoming infected with the virus, Murray’s character experiences a high fever, headache, muscle aches, stomach pain, fatigue, bloody diarrhea, sore throat, hiccups, a rash and red, itchy eyes. His kidney and liver functions shut down, causing internal and external bleeding, and he vomits blood. His blood does not clot, and his capillaries bleed into the surrounding tissue. Eventually, the virus leads to blindness and death. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think there’s anything funny about Laurence Fishburne.

Chris Klein stars in the remake of this sci-fi classic about a "runner" who attempts to live past the age of 30 in a sealed city of the future. He embarks on a—oh wait, that’s the plot of "Logan’s Run." Well, I’m sure "Rollerball" is good, too. You can probably catch the original on TNT. I think it’s about a futuristic game show where the contestants compete for their lives. Or maybe all the food is made of people.

Rush Hour 2
This time, the dynamic duo of Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan head for Chan’s native Hong Kong, where they face their toughest challenge yet: how to take advantage of world-wide trends toward dispersed production, rapid response to changing consumer demand, and knowledge-based economies. The transformation from manual labor to knowledge-based economy that has helped make the territory rich has also contributed to higher costs and has placed severe demands on local institutions to provide the knowledge workers that the Hong Kong economy needs today, and will need tomorrow, in sufficient quantities. For more on the problems Asian businesses face, see what Professor Michael Enright has to say.

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