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When you stretch out on the table, you will be offered a teddy bear to hold. You will say "no thanks" because you are a mature adult with no need for stuffed animals. But trust us: take the teddy bear.


The doctor will numb your eye and prop it open with a lid speculum. The word speculum should make you think of a gynecological procedure involving a cold surgical instrument. If you can't imagine this, just think of two metal spoons wedging your eyelids open.




A ring will be pressed on your eye and suctioned to the cornea. You may feel some discomfort.


Please, for the love of all that is holy, stare directly into the red light. If you can't do this one simple thing then maybe you shouldn't have this procedure!


A cutting instrument is attached to the suction ring. This blade will cut a flap in your eye to open the cornea like a flip-top box. The doctor will then dry your cornea by blowing on it as if it's a hot cup of coffee.


The laser is programmed to vaporize layers of your corneal tissue. For you, this will take one solid minute. It will be the longest minute of your life. The odor of burning hair will pervade your flesh. This is normal.


If you flinch, we cannot be held responsible for vaporizing tissue that should not be vaporized. Please be aware that something could go wrong, horribly wrong, at any time during the procedure. This may add a dimension of frantic urgency to your spirituality.


The doctor will use a tiny squeegee to put your corneal flap back in place. A shield will be placed over your eye. No stitches are used to hold the flap in place. If you rub your eye or put pressure on it, the flap may come loose or get folded over and then you will be sorry. Please refrain from poking yourself in the eye until the flap has healed.

10. Don't worry about putting the stuffing back into the teddy bear. Our staff handles that.

More humor vaguely involving medical science:
Adventures in the Genetic Screening Trade
Genetic Un-Gineering

My Heart Will Go On

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