The human body is a disgusting, sweaty, hairy, germ-laden mass. Human skin is often pockmarked with scars, warts, pustules and worse. Do you want that rubbing against your tender young flesh? Certainly not! Many young people today are turning to sex as a recreational activity. As you have probably heard, sexual intercourse is the number-one cause of orgasm in this country. This must stop! Intercourse is far too dangerous for the layman to participate in. We all enjoy a visit to the circus, but that doesn’t mean we should get into the cage with the tiger! Like skydiving or high-wire walking, sex is something best left for trained performers — professionals who have honed and surgically altered their bodies for use in the pornographic arts. Take for instance, my good friend Kitten St. Croix. Kitten is no ordinary woman. Her entire existence is consumed with the rigors of being an erotic entertainer. Kitten keeps her figure trim through weight training, cocaine and Marlboro reds. Her face is perpetually coated in about fifty dollars worth of Lancôme cosmetics. Her naturally dark hair has been bleached platinum blonde. Her flesh has been deeply tanned under blindingly bright incandescent bulbs. Silicone bags have been surgically inserted into her chest, making her breasts a size and shape unseen in nature. Kitten’s body hair has been entirely removed with harsh depilatories. Sound like any woman you know? Probably not! That’s why we’re hoping you will transfer your lust for ordinary, dirty, attainable human beings to inhuman sex machines like Kitten. Remember, nobody ever got rejected by a DVD. Yours Sincerely, James Huntington Chairman, National Association of Pornographers