Culture/Fashion/Fetish Combinations to Anticipate
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Scottish kilt worn with knee-high, lace-up leather boots
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Lasso bondage imagery
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17,000-person game of Truth or Dare
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Leopard-fur thongs on live cheetahs
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Japanese anime sumo threesomes
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Classic Dick Tracy villains in Les Liasons Dangereuse garb simulating auto-erotic asphyxiation
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Safety Tips:
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Do:
Praise Madonna
Imitate Madonna
Feel Madonna’s aura
Do not:
Look directly at Madonna
Mimic Madonna
Undermine Madonna’s commanding presence with mindless chatter
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Do:
Compare Madonna the entertainer to Madonna the Holy Mother
Do not:
Compare Guy Ritchie the film director to Guy Smiley the Sesame Street game show host
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Do:
Make sly references to Madonna’s "Two Smoking Barrels"
Do not:
Say anything crude about her jugs
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Do:
Say that Guy Ritchie is a "hottie"
Do not:
Say that Snatch substitutes an incredible volume of profanity for any semblance of character development. Not that British people swearing isn’t a hoot.
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Do:
Request "Material Girl"
Do not:
Request updated version of "Papa Don’t Preach" exploring moral ambiguities of embryonic stem cell research
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Do:
Wear shimmering silver clothes.
Do not:
Attempt to disguise yourself if your name is "Weird Al" Yankovic. You are not welcome.
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Do:
Consider being rained on by Madonna’s saliva as a blessing from on high
Do not:
Take the sample to a DNA cloning laboratory and attempt to create a new Madonna
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Do:
Marvel at Madonna’s seemingly endless series of reinventions
Do not:
Mention the accent
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Proceed to exits in orderly fashion in case of fire
Do not:
Worry about trampling "Weird Al" Yankovic
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Ask an usher to direct you to your seat if you have trouble locating your section
Do not:
Expect special treatment just because you’re Sean Penn
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Express the hope that Madonna will never stop recording new music
Do not:
Forget that there may come a time when she must leave this earthly sphere and be replaced with an army of licensed clones
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Map of Typical Drowned World Tour Venue
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1.
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Madonna
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2.
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Guy Ritchie and kids
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3.
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Orthodontist
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4.
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Dancers
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5.
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Security guards
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6.
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Madonna’s dressing room
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7.
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Mobile hair-dying facility
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8.
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Teenage girls
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9.
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Women in their twenties who dusted off their pointy leather bras for the occasion
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10.
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Gentlemen who like gentlemen
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11.
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AOL contest winners
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12.
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Sean Penn
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13.
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Yankovic
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| Words Madonna Might Have Across the Front of Her Shirt |
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Britney
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Snatch
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Chest
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Breasts
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Oprah
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Regis |
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Haley Joel |
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Condit |
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Campaign Finance Reform |
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Toronto Raptors |
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Abercrombie & Fitch |
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Dude, Where’s My Car? (wrap party commemorative tee) |
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I Survived the Scream Machine at Six Flags Great Adventure |
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Winston, Miller Lite, Castrol, Tide and Hardee’s (Talladega SuperSpeedway show) |
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The Celebrity List Section from "Vogue"
Updated for Contemporary Audiences |
Edward Norton, Lucy Liu
Kirsten Dunst and Carey, Drew.
Matthew Perry, Jenna Bush
J. Lo and her ample tush.
Ray Romano, Zeta-Jones.
Ew! Calista’s pointy bones.
Haley Joel and Nathan Lane,
Robert Downey does cocaine.
Martha Stewart bakes a cake,
Spears and Justin Timberlake.
They had style, they had grace,
To us belong all your base
—"Weird Al" Yankovic
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Transcripts of Between-Song Banter Prepared Especially for This Tour by the Sensational British Director Guy Ritchie
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After "Like A Virgin"
GUITARIST
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What the fuck do you mean you feel like a virgin? Everyone knows you’re a mum. That you got two bloody kids. You’re not foolin’ anyone.
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MADONNA
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Look mate, that’s not the fucking point of the song. The song is about how the man is so sensitive and gentle that he makes me feel like a virgin. You know, like the first time.
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GUITARIST
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I don’t give a shit how bloody sensitive he is. He could be Don Juan de Cassa-fucking-nova. All I’m saying is, you can’t feel like you’ve never got your Red Baron popped when everybody knows you got two tykes in the next room wanking off to fucking Oscar the Grouch.
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After "Vogue"
MADONNA
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Hey band, could you pick it up a bit? We did that last song like a turtle with a fucking limp.
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GUITARIST
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It’s not my fault, me guitar went out of tune.
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MADONNA
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Your guitar could be playing in the fucking key of J for all I care, just play faster.
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GUITARIST
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Song’s a piece of shit anyway. Seriously, who writes a whole song about a bloody magazine?
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After "Secret"
BASSIST
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So wha’s the bloody secret then?
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MADONNA
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You think I’m going to tell you?
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BASSIST
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Come on M’donna, you can’t just sing a whole fu-king song about a secret and then not tell us what the fuuk it is. It’s not proper.
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After "Don’t Cry For Me Argentina"
KEYBOARDIST
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’Ey, M’donna! Where’d ’at song come from, eh?
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MADONNA
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What the fuck do you mean where did it come from? It came from my bloody larynx you stupid twit.
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KEYBOARDIST
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I’m not askin’ you ’ose fucking gizzard it came from. I mean what film was it in?
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MADONNA
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Have you been living in a cave? It’s from "Evita."
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GUITARIST
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The chick what had 15,000 pairs of shoes?
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After "La Isla Bonita"
DRUMMER
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| "La Isla Bonita"? What the fuck kind of language is that, bloody German? |
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MADONNA
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What fucked up section of Germany have you been to? Wanker.
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After "Shanti/Ashtangi"
GUITARIST
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[Looks profoundly nervous. At first opportunity, stealthily slips off stage and breaks into full sprint. "Weird Al" attempts to replace him but is beaten senseless by Guy Ritchie’s elite corps of soccer hooligans.]
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