| RIGHTS: |
1) You have the right to basic care. Basic care shall include:
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• clear Band-Aids
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• tartar-control Crest with baking soda
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• the Life section of USA Today
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• the soft, supple bosom of Yasmine Bleeth
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2) You have the right to know all necessary information about those treating you, except:
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• first and last names
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• if they’ve attended medical school |
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3) You have the right to privacy. No medical practitioner may release your health information to anyone. Not even to your neighborly employer or to considerate insurance companies who want to get to know you. Note: Right to privacy voided when:
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• symptoms include odiferous feces (smelly poo)
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• third, fourth or fifth nipples are involved
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• you are diagnosed as a "Flabby McFlabinator"
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4) You have the right to give a "shout-out" to your posse, but only during designated visitor hours.
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5) You have the right to hear "Strokin’" by Clarence Carter during any surgical procedure.
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6) You have the right to wear pants in all hospital areas except designated PFAs (Pant-Free Areas).
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7) You have the right to have overnight visitors provided that they are not dirty carnival folk.
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| RESPONSIBILITIES: |
1) You are responsible for using the proper terminology when referring to your medical conditions. For example, please say "I experience a burning sensation when I urinate" rather than, "It feels like someone's whalin’ away with a claw hammer on my hoo-ha."
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2) You are responsible for the donation of one pint of blood per night spent in the hospital to the "Dick Cheney Emergency Reserve."
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3) You are responsible for enthusiastic participation on the hospital softball team. You will play two innings in the field and get three at-bats, so long as "girl, boy, girl, boy" batting order is maintained.
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4) You are responsible for keeping your hair clean and neat during your hospital stay. Muttonchops and goatees are strictly forbidden.
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5) Thou shalt not covet thy roommate’s nurse.
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6) Your paper gown is not "revealing" or "indecent;" it is "liberating."
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| IN CASE OF NEGLIGENCE: |
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| You may file a malpractice suit against a hospital for negligent care. Lawsuits may seek compensation up to, but not exceeding, the cost of whichever organ your doctors smashed (prices printed every Tuesday in the Wall Street Journal). This cap may be exceeded in cases of "gross negligence," such as sealing of unauthorized orifices, replacing your IV with a very large Capri Sun or switching your baby with a baby-like substance. |
