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MODERN HUMORIST is pleased to inform you that the Great Bezos Barbecue Bash is going to be a reality! CEO Jeff Bezos has accepted our generous offer to throw a party for us.

Thanks to your donations through the Amazon Honor System, we raised enough money to present Jeff Bezos with a Weber Black Genesis A Silver gas grill. We telephoned and told them that we fully intended on presenting Jeff with a grill. "And we fully intend to let you," they said. Huzzah! Victory is sweet.

An intimate victory barbecue bash is set for later this month. We have to salute Jeff for his good humor through all of this, though we can't promise that meat will be the only thing to get a “grilling.” We also must salute our readers for putting up with that pun and for helping us realize a long-standing dream: to eat food cooked by the founder of a major online retailing operation.

But of course, this raises the question of what our next Amazon Honor System goal should be. It'll probably take us, oh, easily a month to come up with something as outlandish as the barbecue idea. Until then, enjoy today's comedy offering, in which we imagine what it would be like if McSweeney's were to merge with USA Today:

I N S I D E :

- - - -

Sections pertaining to News of Our Nation, our Financial Interests, the Doings of Sportsmen and Sportswomen and the Larry King’s Observations Section. Each is conveniently coded by color. Editorials by elephants are now included throughout. Hi Ho!

A N   E Y E - C A T C H I N G   C H A R T
I N   T E X T   F O R M .
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This is a chart illustrating, in a whimsical manner, the rate of obesity in the American population over the past five decades. A very fat man is sitting in a recliner. The curvature of his belly follows five bars originating from his back. Each bar represents the number of obese Americans in a given decade. See how small the line is near his neck? That is the 1950s when a war-weary nation was not yet gorging itself on excess. See how long the line is near his belt—


This will NOT stand! Once again we have been forced to seize this miserable "humor" site and interrupt its crimes against laughter. We can stay SILENT no LONGER. Modern Humorist has corrupted the CLEAR intention of the Amazon Honor System and forced us to ACT. We have HIJACKED the Honor System and incorporated it into our PLAN for world DOMINATION and SUMMER FUN.

We used our considerable SUPER STRENGTH to hold our TONGUES while we watched Modern Humorist raise money to give CEO Jeff Bezos a grill. For the love of all that is WRETCHED, why? WHY would anyone DO such a thing? Money should be hoarded and spent on disgusting self-indulgence, not used to do something NICE for a wealthy man you DON’T KNOW! It’s madness! We HATE it!

So we have decided that our summer will be much more fun if WE raise money for OUR perverted agenda. Modern Humorist has raised enough money to carry out THEIR insane plan, now we will hatch our OWN. Mwoo-ha-ha-ha! And believe us, we have a list of insane plans as long as your ARM!

THINK of it! Together, we will raise sufficient capital to do something NASTY like pay a skywriter to write “RED SOX” in the skies over Manhattan. Or hold a private PARTY at Chuck E. Cheese and enjoy greasy pizza between rounds of CENTIPEDE while outside, miserable children—BARRED from the premises—moan and wail with longing! "Oh, please let us IN," they'll cry. "Let us partake in your DASTARDLY enjoyment of CLASSIC arcade games." But no, not even child villains will be admitted.

Or, if you help us raise just $15-20 million dollars, Modern Humorist can start a cable network... which WE can TAKE OVER!

The evil is only limited by your imagination! Together, we will—as robot-villain Xero-9 likes to say—“4uc% 5h17 up.”

We out,

Dr. Profanity and Vic Vulgar
Members in good standing, Legion of Bastards

Amazon Honor System Click 
Here to PayLearn More
Announcing the
Wicked Projects Fund
To suggest what the devil to do with our evil money, write to Dr. Profanity and Vic Vulgar at Don’t worry, we’ll receive your email.

And as promised, here is your Summer Fun Guide. ENJOY!

More fiendish super-villainy:
Infinite Total Request

More comic book adventure:
Speaking Truth to Superpowers
Alan Greenspan's Tales of Terror

Copyright 2011 Modern Humorist, Inc.
All Rights Reserved.
Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.