| SEPTEMBER |
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Spring Break Texas Style Part 9: Border Party
Starring: Jenna Jameson, Jewel De’Nyle, and Michael J. Cox
The Formula: Spring Break Florida Style Part 9: Penisula Party meets Amores Perros
Can You Masturbate to It? Yep.
The Buzz: This straight-to-video mockumentary follows four sexually frustrated sorority sisters as they travel across the Rio Grande to the sleepy town of Profunda Garganta. There, they encounter a culture completely foreign to their Longhorn sensibilities—along with some Mexican teens (led by Cox, with the help of some makeup and a surprisingly convincing accent) on their own Spring Break who are eager to have sweaty, unprotected sex in unprecedented positions. Director Fred Douglass, who used an X-10 webcam, vows the film will transcend the recent spate of, shall we say, less focused teen comedies. "I don’t really go for all that gratuitous cum-spraying. I keep it simple: cum on the face, the tits, on the stomach, or in the hair." And what about SBTS parts one through eight? The cast, crew and director prefer to think of this as the start of a new franchise. Says Jameson, whose Chloe takes eleven inches deep: "We don’t have anything against the parts in the sequel that came before us. We respect what they’ve done to shape the way we think about the institution of Spring Break. But we didn’t want to narrow our vision. This is about what happens when two groups of friends discover one another, and the penises of the young men penetrate deep inside the vaginas of the young women."
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Fuck My Feet
Starring: Trisha Thompson, Tonya Sheppard, the feet of Desireé Cobalt, and Michael J. Cox.
The Pitch: Fairly similar to Fuck My Toes.
Can You Masturbate to It? Yep.
The Buzz: Not even Director Omar Punta can breathe new life into the foot fetish genre. Short of Thompson’s bunions being the size of small peaches (or very large olives), this looks like one to skip—unless, that is, you plan to masturbate to it.
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Hot on the Press
Starring: Devon Darling
The Pitch: All the President’s Men meets The Whipped Cream Enema Objective
Can You Masturbate to It? Oh, yeah.
The Buzz: Indie director Bud Shaft, known for edgy fare like Clitoris, Penis, Tongue, Anus, enters the mainstream with this big-ticket tale of dirty newspaper publisher Angel Hopkins (Darling), loosely based upon the memoir "A Personal History" by Katharine Graham. "The studio didn’t want to make this picture, so Devon and I went into [Vivid President Rodney] Jenkins’ office and said, ‘This is a great story with some terrific anal sex in it, and we demand to tell it on the small screen with possible release on the large screen in the one or two cities that still have first-run adult film houses.’ He couldn’t say no to that."
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| OCTOBER |
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Fullback Off Side
Starring: Juli Ashton, Darcy Devlin, Buck Shelton, Tommy Sutra, and Michael J. Cox.
The Formula: Victory x Kneepad Training 7 ÷ A League of Their Own
Can You Masturbate to It? Sure.
The Buzz: After one of the more prolific careers in film, Ashton hasn’t had a lead role in nearly a year. What was she doing on hiatus? Preparing for her role opposite Shelton (greedy team owner Dick Redcard) as Mia Candied Hamm, the women’s soccer star with a passion for winning and a penchant for putting penises of substantial girth in her orifices at halftime. Wary of falling prey to the old Rocky-with-a-gangbang formula—but eager also to provide something for fans of soccer and lesbian double cunnilingus to root for—Fullback Off Side director Wilfred M. Bone made sure to frame the action with at least four scenes of soccer.
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Between a Cock and a Hard Rod
Starring: Wanda Stoker, Stacey Valentine, Peter Peter Vagina Eater, and Michael J. Cox
The Formula: Jizz Show + a few extra quarts of semen
Can You Masturbate to It? You betcha.
The Buzz: Starlet Wanda Stoker didn’t like the mounting rumors that she was too tight to handle double penetration—so she faced her demons head on. "The innuendo was threatening my career. So I went into [Director Antonio] Giordano’s office and said, ‘I want you to film a scene with two shafts in my vagina… and then a scene with two shafts in my vagina, one in my anus, and two in my mouth.’" Giordano—better known for getting Cindy Vixin to do that thing with the coffee grinder—has never been one to shy away from a challenge. Twenty-three takes, a handful of roofies, and a little massage therapy later, the scene is one of the main reasons this tale of a woman who seems to find sex wherever she goes is one of the most anticipated of the season. "We don’t really have much of a plot with this one," says Giordano, "But we’ve got a solid hour of gang bang, including lots of point-of-view shots. Prepare to masturbate."
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| ALSO IN OCTOBER |
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The Right to Remain Horny
Gritty portrait of an undercover cop’s sexual exploits. If you’ve ever been arrested, you can masturbate to it.
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Lisa Boyle Wet ‘N’ Willing [softcore]
Lisa Boyle undresses and is then caught in a sunshower in this slice-of-life.
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| NOVEMBER |
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Butterscotch Candi
Starring: Christy Canyon, Kaitlin Ashley, Tera Patrick, and Michael J. Cox.
The Formula: Beyond the grasp of modern mathematics.
Can You Masturbate to It? With the help of oils.
The Buzz: When he learned Butterscotch Candi was to star Canyon and Cox, first-time screenwriter Thomas Bunting says he "couldn’t sleep for three straight nights! I mean, my novel was shortlisted for the Booker Prize, for fuck’s sake. How the hell did I allow it to be optioned to Vivid Video?"
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Amateur XXXMas Hotties in Heat
Starring: Names withheld.
Can You Masturbate to It? Affirmative.
The Buzz: "We weren’t out to reinvent the wheel," said director Roger Mueller. "They meet, they suck, they fuck." Sounds at least like something we can all masturbate to.
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Black Beta Bitches in Bondage 4
Starring: Chocolate Barr, Janet Jacme, Michael J. Cox
The Formula: (Black Beta Bitches in Bondage 3 + Black Bitches in Bondage 5) ÷ 2
Can You Masturbate to It? Unless you have prostate cancer.
The Buzz: Fresh off her AVN Best Actress in a Supporting Role Award for Black Beta Bitches in Bondage 3, Chocolate Barr returns in Black Beta Bitches in Bondage 4, the continuing story of Trisha, the Spelman College sorority girl who finds it difficult to choose between her two favorite pastimes: studying constitutional law—notably the origins of the 14th Amendment—and having sexual relations.
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DECEMBER
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The Gang Bangs of New York
Starring: Michael J. Cox
The Formula: Good Fellatios x (The Next-to-Last Temptation of Christ)2
Can You Masturbate to It? Do you love New York City history?
The Buzz: Following last year’s critically and commercially disappointing Bringing Out the Head, Director Martin Scores Easy comes home to New York City for this story of immigrant thieves, kingpins, prostitutes, and easy women who have sex for free in pre-Giuliani New York City.
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Lord of the Cockrings: Fellatio of the Cockring
Starring: L.I.J. Wood, a cast of thousands, Michael J. Cox.
The Pitch: The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring minus $120 million
Can You Masturbate to It? Yes.
The Buzz: In this reimagining of the J.R.R. Tolkien classic, a Hobbit named Frodo must destroy the ring of the Dark Lord Sauron. Along the way, he comes upon fellow hobbits, dwarves, and wizards of questionable motives. He also cums upon them. In one scene likely to be too explicit for gay children, Frodo sets down the ring so that he can unload a wad deep inside Anagorn (Viggo Mortensen).
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ALSO IN DECEMBER:
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The Blowjob Adventures of Dr. Fellatio 18
Is there anything left to discover in this series? We’re expecting blowjobs.
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More movie magic:
Summer Movie eView
Scary Movie Recommendations
Spoiled
More porno magic:
Sex (and Why Not to Have It)
TeenSlutWarehouse
Copyright 2011 Modern Humorist, Inc.
All Rights Reserved.
Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.
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