1. THE LANDLADY
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Rank Last Year: 4
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Nickname: The Old Sweater
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Status Report: Landlady sent shockwaves through the neighborhood when she pulled up most of the ivy in front garden but left the weeds by the trashcans virtually intact.
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Strength: Stays out of sight, waves hello when appropriate
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Weakness: A constant reluctance to call plumber
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Yes, It's True: Has American flag and rifle on display in her dwelling.
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The Year Ahead: 
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2. GAIL, THE CHECKER AT NATURE MART
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Rank Last Year: 28
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Nickname: The Workhorse
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Status Report: In a move that, at the time, struck some as presumptuous, Gail assured her position on the list by crafting the series of handwritten signs outlining the store's policies and strategically placing them around the cash register. She was the driving force behind the "Attention Customers! We Need $1's and $5's!!" campaign of two Sundays ago, securely establishing herself as indispensable.
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Strengths: Knows price of most things. Can identify regular customers by smell.
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Weakness: An inability to handle voids with grace and confidence.
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Yes, It's True: Owns a biofeedback machine
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The Year Ahead: 
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3. RECORDED VOICE OF EMPLOYMENT DEVELOPMENT DEPARTMENT AUTOMATED TEL-SERVICE
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Nickname: The Judge
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Rank Last Year: 8
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Status Report: Some had speculated early on that 2001 would come and go without so much as a peep from this disagreeable martinet, but, like it or not, her services have once again become necessary. With her trademark audible sneer intact, the Voice of Unemployment continues to chide me every Sunday about whether or not I turned down any work last week.
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Strengths: Holds the purse strings
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Weaknesses: Utterly deaf to the derogatory remarks directed at her
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Yes, It's True: Is Sandra Bullock
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The Year Ahead:
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4. BILLY DIAMOND, WRONG NUMBER REPEAT OFFENDER
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Nickname: The Unsmooth Operator
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Rank Last Year: --
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Status Report: The month opened strongly for this player on the rise, whose sheer persistence established him almost immediately as a force to reckoned with. Although Diamond's silky smooth delivery when requesting "the pleasure of speaking to Miss Tina Mayfield" was initially a source of great amusement, it got old quick.
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Strengths: Aforementioned persistence
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Weaknesses: His inability (unwillingness?) to dial a "1" when calling outside his area code.
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Yes, It's True: Is clearly a murderer
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The Year Ahead: 
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5. THE BIG SPIDER OUTSIDE
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Nickname: The Spinner
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Rank Last Year: 32
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Status Report: His unmatched size, iron will, and prolific spinnerets have struck fear into the hearts of observers, who have basically given him free run of the place.
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Strengths: Through brilliant positioning in walkways and in front of the door, the Spider keeps the element of surprise firmly on his side.
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Weaknesses: Is defenseless against big brooms
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Yes, It's True: Has about ten weeks left on this earth
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The Year Ahead:
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6., 7. and 8. LINT ROLLERS
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Nickname: The Old Reliables
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Rank Last Year: 4., 5. and 6.
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Status Report: Two in the bathroom and one on the dresser (plus two empty rollers in the car, and a refill somewhere that may or may not fit either of the empty rollers).
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Strengths: Sleek, ergonomic design and unparalleled performance has earned these savvy operators bragging rights among their lesser lint-removing competitors.
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Weaknesses: The Lint Rollers finally proved themselves fallible when it was discovered earlier this year that their sticking power could be too much for some delicate fabrics, leaving quite a few damaged sweaters in their wake.
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Yes, It's True: Were invented by Michael Nesmith's mother
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The Year Ahead:
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9. THE GUY WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BUY MY CAR
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Nickname: The "No-Show"
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Rank Last Year: --
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Status Report: The shifty way in which the Guy tried to make telephone arrangements to "leave [his] car here and take [my] car to the mechanic" should have been the first indication that the Guy Who Was Supposed to Buy My Car's intentions were not altogether honorable.
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Strengths: By being fast on the draw and procuring the position of "first caller," the Guy was able to, in one swift non-move, trump the competition and render it all but impossible for me to show the car to anyone else that weekend.
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Weaknesses: When finally tracked down, his vague excuses about the sudden absence of the mechanic and the reluctance of his credit union to approve a loan were, frankly, pathetic.
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Yes, It's True: Lives with his mother
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The Year Ahead:
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10. BLACKBIRDS, SINGING IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT
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Rank Last Year: 10
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Nickname: Any of various New World birds of the family Icteridae, such as the grackle or red-winged blackbird
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Status Report: After last year's unsuccessful attempt to take their broken wings and learn to fly, the blackbirds have returned to their post outside the bedroom window and are now singing into the wee small hours—some insiders balk, "we were only waiting for this moment to arrive."
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Strengths: Power of flight
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Weaknesses: Have since added broken eyes to their long roster of ailments
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Yes, It's True: Considered by Gail, checker at Nature Mart, to signal end times
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The Year Ahead:
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All Rights Reserved.
Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.
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