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POP STAR MARIAH CAREY recently made headlines by running naked through a Long Island shopping mall while zonked on Boone’s Farm, lithium and OxyContin. No, wait—that’s next month. This month, Carey made headlines when EMI’s Virgin records division bought out her multi-album contract for a whopping $28 million (roughly enough to pay her entourage’s phone and clothing bills for three months). Does paying her so much make any business sense? Analysts have suggested that EMI is attempting to sabotage Mariah’s career lest their decision come back to bite them on the ass like some sort of strange, ass-biting creature.

Below are some of the more suspicious and degrading stipulations the label worked into its buy-out of the legendary screeching enthusiast.

For ten years, EMI employees get to brag at happy hours, weddings and other social occasions about working for the company that paid Mariah Carey $28 million dollars to shut the fuck up.

The visual concept of Ms. Carey shimmying about in a series of revealing, cleavage-enhancing outfits while lip-synching suggestively shall remain the sole intellectual property of EMI. From now on, all Mariah Carey videos must feature at least two of the following:

  • Wizards
  • Fearsome dragons
  • Dry ice
  • Somebody rolling the twelve-sided die in slow motion
  • A wicked guitar solo from Joe Satriani where he’s riding on the back of a big blue whale
  • A career-making appearance from a young Courteney Cox

The concept of Ms. Carey recording with popular rap stars (Jay-Z, Ludacris, Ol’ Dirty Bastard) to boost her street cred likewise remains the sole intellectual property of EMI. From henceforth, Ms. Carey may only collaborate with the following people:
  • The members of the Fat Boys who aren’t dead
  • Chris Gaines
  • The Dream Warriors
  • Oates
  • MC Skat Kat
  • Buckner & Garcia
  • Yngwie Malmstein
  • Ronnie James Dio
  • The members of the Fat Boys who are dead

Following her departure from EMI, Ms. Carey must return everything the company has lent her, including, but not limited to:

  • Two silicone spheres, used
  • One copy, "Diana Ross’s Guide to Staying on Top Forever"
  • That Stephen Malkmus solo album. We lent it to you, like, a million years ago, and you never returned it.
  • Our hopes and dreams of riding Ms. Carey’s dazzling star power all the way to hit city

For the purpose of irony, Ms. Carey’s offices will officially be handed over to surly, drunken howler monkeys.

The majority of Ms. Carey’s buy-out will be in the form of "EMI Wacky Cash" redeemable solely for the purchase of EMI products like Robbie Williams’s "Live At The Albert."

Ms. Carey promises not to steal office supplies while clearing out her desk. This includes paper clips. A security guard will be on hand to protect the company's property and escort Ms. Carey out of the building. (Note: Ms. Carey is expressly forbidden from imploring security guard to "be a dear" and go fetch some Evian for her terrier.)

Following Ms. Carey’s departure from the EMI family, she must behave herself with poise, exercise restraint and subtlety in her music and choose gifted collaborators with unique artistic visions. Ha, just kidding! We concede that this provision is unenforceable. We just wanted to see it in print.

More by Nathan Rabin:
Who Let the Dog Out?
Ain’t Nothin’ but a Gangsta Termination
of Limited-Term Employment

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