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Freestyle Panicking - This new addition to the Olympiad looks to be a popular favorite with nearly every athlete competing at the games, not to mention audience members, the press corps and Salt Lake City citizens. Competitors may freak out in a variety of ways, including becoming jittery at the sound of passing jets, expressing concern about the wiring of starting guns, and leaving Salt Lake City for the month of February.

Inspiring - Athletes are judged on short summary films aired during NBC telecasts scored with U2 songs and shot half in black and white. Look for stellar performances from snowboarder Chris Klug who is recovering from a liver transplant, ace curler Akiko Katoh who was shot in the leg by her father whom she had just saved from a building set on fire by some sort of repressive government, and Jonny Moseley, a former pimp.

Sweeping - Similar to the sport of curling, sweeping requires intense skill and concentration. Contestants push the bristles of the broom against the game surface in a sweeping motion (hence the name), in order to collect the maximum amount of dust particles, stray objects or chunks of hardened mud. Cleanliness is the goal, diligence is the key.

Looking Ridiculous - This year's competitions will take place at the Opening Ceremonies (contestants judged on Oddly Colored Blazers, Plaid Shirts and Some Variation on a Cabana Hat) and at the Speed-Skating Rink (Spandex Bodysuits, General Lameness).

Nordic Combining - Countries compete to genetically combine the DNA of blonde-haired, blue-eyed Norse geniuses in order to manufacture the highest quality master race. The victorious country will be awarded the gold along with totalitarian rule over planet Earth. Iceland is the favorite this year, followed by Finland and Nigeria.

Osmond Hunting - Competitors are given the chance to significantly deplete the cumbersome population of Utah Osmonds.

Tithing - A mandatory donation of 10% of every Mormon's yearly assets to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, tithing is taken very seriously.

Figure Skater Heckling - Thoroughly soused contestants are positioned rinkside during the figure skating competition. America has a slight advantage over Russia due to the presence of skaters Irina Slutskaya, Maria Butyrskaya and Natasha Vaginaface.

Stroking - Contestants compete to be the most like a member of America's hottest band, the Strokes, by donning tight ripped jeans and Converse Chuck Taylor All-Stars, lashing out in awkward rage and taking advantage of starstruck young girls.

Also look for these exciting competitions:

  • Sock on Hardwood Floor Figure Skating
  • Wrestling a Black Bear
  • Polygamy

More gold-medal guffaws:
Modern Humorist at the 2000 Olympiad

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