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Q: The Olympic torch relay was very inspiring. What kept the torch going on its trip?
The Olympic spirit and the heroism of its bearers. Also, the constant presence of oxygen, which it requires.

Q: Why didn't the torch pass by my house? I'm full of Olympic spirit.
It did pass by your house. Last Wednesday. You were getting groceries.

Q: I was at home all day last Wednesday.
Did I say Wednesday? I meant Satnesday.

Q: Who are the Olympic mascots this year?
Prepare for delight overload! Powder the Rabbit represents the non-stop procreation practiced by the U.S. luge team. Copper the Coyote exemplifies the wiles and furriness of the crafty U.S. bobsled team. And Coal the Bear stands for the "pick-a-nick" basket-swiping of the French.

Q: What besides Olympic excitement does Salt Lake City have to offer visitors?
Salt Lake City has some of the country's best outdoor recreation facilities. And Nevada is only about two hours away in case visitors want to do something interesting.

(The following question will be asked and answered by guest FAQ contributor, Jerry Seinfeld.)

Q: What’s the deal with curling? A big rock and brooms? This is a sport?
Forget curling! What’s this ice dancing? One more thing to worry about! "Who should I ask to the big ice dance?!"

Q: That Seinfeld. Still got it. Anyway, why are video games about the Olympics always so bad?
Even PlayStation 2’s incredible Emotion Engine can’t make the Nordic Combined compelling.

Q: What adorable female athlete will emerge from these games as America’s sweetheart?
Noted product endorser Michelle Kwan. This is likely her last Olympiad, and Michelle has yet to bring home the gold. She skated as an alternate in 1994, taking a backseat to the Kerrigan/Harding debacle, and in 1998 she fell victim to a hex put on her by razor toothed, figure skating goblin Tara Lipinski.

Q: I understand that the sport called "Skeleton Riding" is being re-introduced. [winks meaningfully]

Q: Come on! Make some hilarious crack about Johnny Depp’s relationship with supermodel Kate Moss.
Uh, yeah. Check back with me on Satnesday.

More gold-medal guffaws:
Modern Humorist at the 2000 Olympiad

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